𝑲𝒂𝒓𝒐𝒍-𝒂𝒏𝒏❜𝒔 𝑱𝒐𝒖𝒓𝒏𝒆𝒚 𝑻𝒐 𝑳𝒊𝒇𝒆

 February 28, 2021 I always had a weird relationship with money. The moment I had some I needed to spent it all, I wasn't able to keep a freaking dollar in my wallet and it started at a very young age. When I've been introduced to money I was buying a bunch of candy and crap like that with it. When I get older my money was all for my addictions possible, alcohol, drugs, casino, cigarettes, classy restaurants, taxi, expensive clothes, new technology etc. At the age of 18 when I moved out from my parent place I felt like the big city was like a Hollywood movie, I went ALL IN in the self-interested and evil game. I saved my money for a long time with a lot of difficulty, my mom had to put it in her account so I don't spend it and when I moved out, I spent it all in 2 weeks. I had no sense of responsibility, no awareness of the consequences of my actions.   Once I spent all my money, and loaded two credit cards I was saying that I didn't needed money to be happy. How stup...

February 26, 2021    I saw this memory from Facebook today where I had take the picture of my bottle of wine 2 years ago and I wrote: "I formalize one of the worst day of my life with a good bottle of high percentage organic wine." It made me think how dramatic I was and how I was constantly feeding my ego mind with complaining. I remembered that day when my boss had yelled at me all day long because I wasn't effective at all, I was making a bunch of mistakes and the more he yelled, the more I got anxious and the more mistakes I made. I never get yelled at by a man authority before him and that scared the shit out of me so I cried my life and avoid him in the toilet. He came to the door and knock with anger and yelled me to get the fuck out or I'll be fired. I felt like he wanted to kill me, but that was just an irrational scenario that my brain created and I wasn't stable with medications so, I can totally imagine how fucked I was that day. I already apply the fo...

 February 25, 2021  I was on the road two days ago and the temperature was pretty bad, the vision was limited but I was seeing that there was a car in front of me plus a big 18 wheels truck in front of the car. I was staying far enough of them just to prevent because the road was excessively slippery as well. And than, out of nowhere the huge truck push on the brakes right after the big curve because there was men who were doing construction and nobody has seen the sign ( if there was one ) and, the car in front of me was about to hit the truck but he just made a 180 degree and he grazed the snow banc. I had to put the brake as well because I was about to hit the truck too but the car wasn't stopping, so I had the choice to hit the truck, the car on the right or the other one who was coming on the left. I was totally aware of my environment, I had the total control of my car and on top of that, I had no emotional reaction toward the situation, I was completely calm and in the ...

February 24, 2021 I was helping a friend of mine today because her boyfriend leave her and she needed support. I know that my support is not like the support her other friends are bringing to her because she told me that. I told her that I will not stand beside her and listen her cry all day and do nothing about it.  It is okay to cry but it is important to not fall into the self- pity and the depression. She know that when she call me , things are moving and actions are taken.  We made a huge clean up, we install the new furniture etc. The place was  a total messy disaster and she was too but, she took actions anyways because, I told her that someone who really want to change and do what it takes to feel better is way more interesting to help than someone who is crying in his bed all day long and complain that life is too hard. I explain her my definition of what real love is and why her relationship as failed, and she said she understood but I know that this is not real...

February 23, 2021       I recently learned that my mom had stopped working when I was born till I turn five years old and then I went to school. I know now that I downloaded basically everything from her during those years.  One thing I remembered clearly is when my mom was smoking cigarettes in secret because I was always telling her that it smell bad and that it was disgusting. She wasn't going outside , she stayed in the house and smoked in the bathroom and she was acting like nobody know what she was doing. I remembered being angry at her because she was lying to me. One day she decided to stop and replace it with cigar and she was smoking only when we had a "occasion". She said that she wasn't inhaling it. When I turned 15  years old I started to smoke the cigar occasionally and I started to smoke the cigarette at the age of 18. Like every good smoker, I was smoking to calm myself down because I was terribly anxious and that was my way of relaxing.  I...

 February 21, 2021 Yesterday it was my mom birthday and my little nephew was there, he is 1 year old. I was analyzing how people were interacting with him and I freaked out for a moment. I started thinking about when I will have my own kids and what kind of discussion I will need to have with my family about the fact, I won't let them drinking around my kids are talking to them like they are retarded. I learned a lot about the natural learning ability and I know that every single thing that touch one of the 5 sense of the child will be directly integrated and that can have real bad consequences which is abuse. When I think about child abuse I immediately think about a parent that hit his child or yelled, rape or real atrocities like that but,  I am conscious that this is not  only this because of how we all have been programed, we are programed to manipulate and lie to our children in every way possible and that seems so inoffensive but it is not. What as really triggered...

  February 20, 2021 My cat is always jumping on my laptop when I am not around and he open so many things and close some important stuff that I am doing on it. He always sit on it to watch the fish and he scratch the aquarium as well. That is pissing me off and I get really mad at him because it wasn't the first time I had to restart something in process. Some thoughts comes up through my mind like : Fuck you Manson, why the fuck you cannot understand that this is pissing me off, the aquarium is brand new god dammit why are you so mean. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience anger towards the cat. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that the cat is preprogrammed to hunt and that he don't care about the messed he can cause around him. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe the cat was doing this just to annoyed me. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the thoughts : why ...

February 19, 2021 I used a utility knife this morning and I was about to cut something with it and I felt a little resistance. I wasn't afraid to hurt myself, it was something else. I triggered this memory of when I was at school at 10 or 11 years old. We used those kind of knife for making some project. I did hurt myself with it and instead of explain to me how to use it correctly I was banned from using it. I remembered that I was ashamed of myself because I wasn't able to use a knife properly without hurting myself. I had to ask other students to cut my things and it creates anxiety within me because I was extremely shy and I felt really stupid to have been private of the use of the tool. I have been punished for my ignorance. So, this morning I take a breathe and use the tool anyway. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that memories are the principal tool of my ego to holding me back from doing what I am supposed to do in the real physica...

 February 18, 2021 Here I am at day 30, I am supposed to be more far than that but I didn't respect my commitment of writing a blog per day. I can say that I am not proud of myself and that have some consequences on the trust I have for myself.  I always had a "good" excuses to not write it. I usually wait in the late evening to write it and most of the time I get to tired to focus on my writing. I noticed that when I am writing a blog I feel drained by the ego mind,  sometimes I spent too much time fighting the fact I should write it and I get stock with the blank page syndrome so I give up. Other times I have literally no idea what to write about but, I am aware that this is kind of another way to avoid something that is inside me.   I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to overestimate myself. I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to not respect my commitment and feel bad about it.  I forgive myself that I have ac...

 February 17, 2021 I had the word "pessimism" that popped up in my Techno-Tutor today and as usual, when I have an hard time with a word, I know that there is something, some memory attached to this specific word. The definition was : 1 . The feeling that things will turn out badly 2 . a general disposition to look on the dark side and to expect the worst in all things.   I had always described myself as a positive person in the past and that is how everybody around me described me as well. I was stuck in the highest positive vibe ever even if my life was falling apart constantly. I was the happiest in a group of madness people. Everybody I knew was in a terrible condition in life, including me. The difference between us and I was that I was listening a lot others complaining and I never said anything about myself. I was a good listener but I got completely lost in my secret mind during many years. I was seeing people only to get out of the house and most of the time get...

Febuary 5, 2021 I went to the grocery store two days ago and I never really following the rules in the store because there is not an ounce of common sense in those rules. I was in reverse in a row and there was this old lady who looked at me and told me : You are in the wrong way miss!! I just looked at her right in the eyes in silence and the back chat started in my mind. I was thinking : What the fuck is wrong with this lady ? Why is she out there if she is THAT scared of the virus ? Why she don't mind her own business , Even the people who works here leave me the fuck alone, go home and let people live their life madam. I took a deep breathe and shut my mind down. When I catch up the thoughts and took my breathe, it was like I was waking up from a possession, this was a thirty second of pure possession of my ego mind. I realize I that I felt attacked. I looked around me and realize, okay I am here, in the physical, at the grocery store, not in my mind, there is no need to reac...

 February 2, 2021 During my Techno Tutor session today,  I had a couple words list about math, there was a lot of math words and it took me much more time than normal to achieve those list and I felt terrible during the time I was doing it. I also had all these flash back where I remember how I suck at math. It was the first time that I got a physical reaction like this one through math list because there was a lot more and it triggered a lot of memories within me when I defined those words. There is something that I have never been good at in life and it is mathematics. I feel ashamed to write it publicly  and saying it out loud will be painful inside of me because I am living with it since primary school. I was putted in special classes for students with difficulties in math and till the end of high school I failed math. I had to do my math of secondary 3, three times. I end up at the adult school to finally  pas my math 3 and 4 plus my English of secondary 5...