February 21, 2021
Yesterday it was my mom birthday and my little nephew was there, he is 1 year old. I was analyzing how people were interacting with him and I freaked out for a moment. I started thinking about when I will have my own kids and what kind of discussion I will need to have with my family about the fact, I won't let them drinking around my kids are talking to them like they are retarded. I learned a lot about the natural learning ability and I know that every single thing that touch one of the 5 sense of the child will be directly integrated and that can have real bad consequences which is abuse. When I think about child abuse I immediately think about a parent that hit his child or yelled, rape or real atrocities like that but, I am conscious that this is not only this because of how we all have been programed, we are programed to manipulate and lie to our children in every way possible and that seems so inoffensive but it is not.
What as really triggered me the most was that at the end of the night, my mom and my aunt said that, when the child his at grandma's place, things are different, that they can do things that they are not normally do at home. For them it was like an unwritten rules. I started to question myself, was I a control freak already? I believe that it is normal with what I know to want to know what kind of thing they are doing or see or whatever it is because they seven first years of a child is so crucial, there is no going back.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to freak out for an event that has not happen yet.
I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to live in the present moment.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself for the judgment towards the family by assuming they won't understand my perspective.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that I am not scared of their reaction but I am just scared to tell them.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear to hurt their feelings when in fact, telling the truth is what is best for me, the child and them.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to get triggered by words my mom and my aunt said and creates some irrational scenarios in my head.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think I am already a control freak when I know that this is making sense to want what is best for the child and that this is only the ego mind that have been activated to make sure I doubt myself.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear talking to my family.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear the reactions of my family.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself for being weak instead of standing up for common sense.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize all the forms of abuse that can be as simple as controlling every movement of a child or taking something away from them instead of explaining them things properly.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe my family will be potentially toxic for my children when it is in fact just scenarios generated by the ego because if I take the time to explain them with the right words, everything will be perfectly fine.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to take the words my mom and my aunt said and turned it into evil thoughts.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself for the fear of being a control freak because I have been overprotected.
I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to breathe to not participate in my secret mind.
When and as I see myself thinking about how I will tell my family about the way I will raise my children, I stop and breathe.
I realize that this is irrational to freak out about that because I don't have kids yet and that my parents and also my aunt have techno-Tutor and that by the time I have my children they will be way much stable and they will understand . I also realize that I want to avoid conflict by staying in my secret mind instead of saying what is best and even if they are not happy with my decision this is none of their business and they have to respect it anyway if they want to be in contact with my children because I won't compromise their natural learning ability.
I commit myself to live in the present moment.
I commit myself to always tell what is in my mind instead of creating thousand of scenarios.
I commit myself to stand up for what is best no matter what people around me think of it.
I commit myself to stand up for the children around the world that is living in a daily abuse.
I commit myself to raise my future children in the way that is best for all and make sure that they considered all life.
I commit myself to communicate more with the family instead of assuming their potential reactions.
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