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Day 34 : Why I started to smoke

February 23, 2021 

 

 I recently learned that my mom had stopped working when I was born till I turn five years old and then I went to school. I know now that I downloaded basically everything from her during those years. 

One thing I remembered clearly is when my mom was smoking cigarettes in secret because I was always telling her that it smell bad and that it was disgusting. She wasn't going outside , she stayed in the house and smoked in the bathroom and she was acting like nobody know what she was doing. I remembered being angry at her because she was lying to me. One day she decided to stop and replace it with cigar and she was smoking only when we had a "occasion". She said that she wasn't inhaling it.

When I turned 15  years old I started to smoke the cigar occasionally and I started to smoke the cigarette at the age of 18. Like every good smoker, I was smoking to calm myself down because I was terribly anxious and that was my way of relaxing.

 I had judge my mom so much about that and I turn exactly the same. I was smoking in secret too when I moved out with my brother because he was judging me. I finally stop smoking the cigarette almost a year ago and I repeated the same pattern with the cigar, I smoked it only during ''occasion'' but every occasion was a good excuse to smoke a cigar. I tried to stop so many times with some pills, patch, gum etc in the past and that was making me feel really weird and bad. Now I am not a smoker anymore and I am glad. I supported myself with Techno-Tutor but I realize that I never make a true self-forgiveness about it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that the fact I said that cigarette was relaxing me was in fact a excuse to not stop. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use cigarette to calm my anxiety when it was in fact creating more of it. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that everything that was prescribed to me by the doctor to stop smoking was really bad for my system.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be dependent on cigarette and cigar for so long. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that my addiction to cigarette comes from my mom even if I hated it when she was smoking.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to repeat the same patterns as my mom did.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience anger as a negative emotional reaction toward my mom that was lying about the fact she was smoking in the bathroom.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give my body temple all this chemicals poisons directly in my lounges without any awareness of the consequences that could have occurs. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to smoke in secret because I was ashamed by the judgment of my brother and I did not assume the fact I was a smoker.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself for the judgment toward my mother. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use the cigar as an excuse to perpetuate my addiction to nicotine.

When and as I see myself smoking, I stop and breathe.

I realize that smoking for me was inevitable and that the system is design in a way that those who become smoker will always be profitable either on the sale of cigarettes, prescriptions to stop and/or on treatment against diseases that the cigarette has cause. 

I commit myself to support those who want to stop smoking and help themselves for real tangible change.

I commit myself to never smoke again.


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