Skip to main content

Day 34 : Why I started to smoke

February 23, 2021 

 

 I recently learned that my mom had stopped working when I was born till I turn five years old and then I went to school. I know now that I downloaded basically everything from her during those years. 

One thing I remembered clearly is when my mom was smoking cigarettes in secret because I was always telling her that it smell bad and that it was disgusting. She wasn't going outside , she stayed in the house and smoked in the bathroom and she was acting like nobody know what she was doing. I remembered being angry at her because she was lying to me. One day she decided to stop and replace it with cigar and she was smoking only when we had a "occasion". She said that she wasn't inhaling it.

When I turned 15  years old I started to smoke the cigar occasionally and I started to smoke the cigarette at the age of 18. Like every good smoker, I was smoking to calm myself down because I was terribly anxious and that was my way of relaxing.

 I had judge my mom so much about that and I turn exactly the same. I was smoking in secret too when I moved out with my brother because he was judging me. I finally stop smoking the cigarette almost a year ago and I repeated the same pattern with the cigar, I smoked it only during ''occasion'' but every occasion was a good excuse to smoke a cigar. I tried to stop so many times with some pills, patch, gum etc in the past and that was making me feel really weird and bad. Now I am not a smoker anymore and I am glad. I supported myself with Techno-Tutor but I realize that I never make a true self-forgiveness about it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that the fact I said that cigarette was relaxing me was in fact a excuse to not stop. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use cigarette to calm my anxiety when it was in fact creating more of it. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that everything that was prescribed to me by the doctor to stop smoking was really bad for my system.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be dependent on cigarette and cigar for so long. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that my addiction to cigarette comes from my mom even if I hated it when she was smoking.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to repeat the same patterns as my mom did.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience anger as a negative emotional reaction toward my mom that was lying about the fact she was smoking in the bathroom.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give my body temple all this chemicals poisons directly in my lounges without any awareness of the consequences that could have occurs. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to smoke in secret because I was ashamed by the judgment of my brother and I did not assume the fact I was a smoker.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself for the judgment toward my mother. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use the cigar as an excuse to perpetuate my addiction to nicotine.

When and as I see myself smoking, I stop and breathe.

I realize that smoking for me was inevitable and that the system is design in a way that those who become smoker will always be profitable either on the sale of cigarettes, prescriptions to stop and/or on treatment against diseases that the cigarette has cause. 

I commit myself to support those who want to stop smoking and help themselves for real tangible change.

I commit myself to never smoke again.


Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

Day 3 : Friendship or Bullshit ?

  December 17, 2020 My definition of friendship / relationship has changed a lot since I started my process. I've come to realize that the major part of my life, all the relationships I had allowed was only pure bullshit. Everything was based on self-interest and nothing else. I noticed that the better I felt, the smaller my circle was. At the beginning I was kind of disappointed and I was questioning myself a lot. I wasn't sure that It was the right thing to do but, at this moment I wasn't able to process the information like the way I do now. I was not really aware of the power of the ego within me, it took me a while to accept the fact that my entire life was a pure lie and that I was living it by playing a character who wasn't the real me in the physical world.  Now that I have accepted it and work on myself everyday by walking my process, all of the people I used to know as friends have almost completely disappeared from my life to let place for new people all a...
2 comments
Read more

Day 16 : My experience with hypnosis

January 6, 2021 When I was 14 or 15 years old, I remember that my mom bought  us ticket for a show, it was a hypnosis show with a man called Messmer, he is very popular here in Canada and also in France. At the first part of the show he tried something with all the public to see who is a good potential person to be on stage and it did not worked on me. I was looking at those on stage who were hypnotized and I thought it was impossible to agree to do such stupid things in front of a huge public like this and that it must be a show that is prepared in advance with those person who agreed to go on the stage before the show and acted like it worked. At the second part of the show he tried another thing, we had to put our hands together with our two index up only, separate from one another. We had to closed our eyes and he said a thing like " okay now, you feel your two index come closer and closer and more closer... after that he said " okay now, those who have their fingers stuc...
1 comment
Read more

Day 11 : My first party sober experience

December 31, 2020 Last night was my last Christmas party and it was the first time I had a family party sober and it was the first time I was the one who drives the other member home. At the beginning of the night, it was very challenging to look at everybody have their drink in their hand, I had this  thought that comes up  - Why have you decided to do this before your last party ?  So, I went to the bathroom and took three deep breathe and tell my ego to shut the fuck up. When I get back, I was already feeling better about myself.  Later in the evening, when the others started to feel the effect of the alcohol, I've started to analyses their comportment and what they were saying. I was blow minded to see the honesty and the pattern of everyone while their drunk. I learn so much from the past of everyone and it helps me understand a lot of things about where I truly comes from. Their demons were telling everything to me, like they felt the need to reveal me their se...
1 comment
Read more