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Day 31 : Consequence of my ignorance

February 19, 2021

I used a utility knife this morning and I was about to cut something with it and I felt a little resistance. I wasn't afraid to hurt myself, it was something else. I triggered this memory of when I was at school at 10 or 11 years old. We used those kind of knife for making some project. I did hurt myself with it and instead of explain to me how to use it correctly I was banned from using it. I remembered that I was ashamed of myself because I wasn't able to use a knife properly without hurting myself. I had to ask other students to cut my things and it creates anxiety within me because I was extremely shy and I felt really stupid to have been private of the use of the tool. I have been punished for my ignorance. So, this morning I take a breathe and use the tool anyway.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that memories are the principal tool of my ego to holding me back from doing what I am supposed to do in the real physical world.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience some resistance toward the utility knife because of a memory of the past.  

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself for the feeling of shyness generate by my ego mind.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe the teacher that was telling me I wasn't enough mature to use the knife.

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to understand that the school system is limited in every sphere possible. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself for the anxiety I felt because of the fact I thought I was too stupid to use a tool.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think I am stupid.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be ashamed of hurting myself by accident. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel resentment against the teacher because she said I couldn't use the knife anymore. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear talking to others students.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create some random scenarios in my mind at this moment when I had to ask for other to cut the things for me and assume they we're judging me when it was in fact only my own back chat. 

When and as I see myself using a utility knife, I stop and breathe.

I realize that if I hurt myself at the first place it was because I haven't the vocabulary correctly integrated to use the tool with awareness and that the teacher had assume that just by saying to be careful, nobody will get hurt.

I commit myself to always explain how things work to my future children and make sure they are aware of the possible danger.

I commit myself to always go over my limitation.

I commit myself to deprogram one by one all the memories that is holding me back from being equal and one with everything and everyone.

I commit myself to continue developing my vocabulary at the highest possible so no limitation are gonna stop me anymore. 

 

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