Skip to main content

Day 31 : Consequence of my ignorance

February 19, 2021

I used a utility knife this morning and I was about to cut something with it and I felt a little resistance. I wasn't afraid to hurt myself, it was something else. I triggered this memory of when I was at school at 10 or 11 years old. We used those kind of knife for making some project. I did hurt myself with it and instead of explain to me how to use it correctly I was banned from using it. I remembered that I was ashamed of myself because I wasn't able to use a knife properly without hurting myself. I had to ask other students to cut my things and it creates anxiety within me because I was extremely shy and I felt really stupid to have been private of the use of the tool. I have been punished for my ignorance. So, this morning I take a breathe and use the tool anyway.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that memories are the principal tool of my ego to holding me back from doing what I am supposed to do in the real physical world.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience some resistance toward the utility knife because of a memory of the past.  

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself for the feeling of shyness generate by my ego mind.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe the teacher that was telling me I wasn't enough mature to use the knife.

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to understand that the school system is limited in every sphere possible. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself for the anxiety I felt because of the fact I thought I was too stupid to use a tool.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think I am stupid.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be ashamed of hurting myself by accident. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel resentment against the teacher because she said I couldn't use the knife anymore. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear talking to others students.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create some random scenarios in my mind at this moment when I had to ask for other to cut the things for me and assume they we're judging me when it was in fact only my own back chat. 

When and as I see myself using a utility knife, I stop and breathe.

I realize that if I hurt myself at the first place it was because I haven't the vocabulary correctly integrated to use the tool with awareness and that the teacher had assume that just by saying to be careful, nobody will get hurt.

I commit myself to always explain how things work to my future children and make sure they are aware of the possible danger.

I commit myself to always go over my limitation.

I commit myself to deprogram one by one all the memories that is holding me back from being equal and one with everything and everyone.

I commit myself to continue developing my vocabulary at the highest possible so no limitation are gonna stop me anymore. 

 

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

Day 16 : My experience with hypnosis

January 6, 2021 When I was 14 or 15 years old, I remember that my mom bought  us ticket for a show, it was a hypnosis show with a man called Messmer, he is very popular here in Canada and also in France. At the first part of the show he tried something with all the public to see who is a good potential person to be on stage and it did not worked on me. I was looking at those on stage who were hypnotized and I thought it was impossible to agree to do such stupid things in front of a huge public like this and that it must be a show that is prepared in advance with those person who agreed to go on the stage before the show and acted like it worked. At the second part of the show he tried another thing, we had to put our hands together with our two index up only, separate from one another. We had to closed our eyes and he said a thing like " okay now, you feel your two index come closer and closer and more closer... after that he said " okay now, those who have their fingers stuc...
1 comment
Read more

Day 12 : Eating disorder/Anorexia

January 1st, 2021  I talked about my self-image problem in a previous blog that I wrote and I wanted to come back on the point of the anorexia. I used to be the kind of anorexic who was avoiding food like the pests. I wasn't just counting the calories, I was just not eating at all during several days. Sometimes I was forced to eat when I could not find a way out and that I had no more inspiration for a new lie to tell my parents. There was some lies I was telling like,  I need to stay longer after school to finish an homework with others or I want to go out with friends, I could not used this one too much because my parents wanted me home after school and not with friends so I won't do stupid things if I am home with them, which I did obviously. I started amphetamine at this stage of my life, so I became more creative with the lies I was telling them to avoid eating. That was the dreamy drug for me because it suppressed my entire appetite so that was the number one reason why ...
Post a Comment
Read more

Day 3 : Friendship or Bullshit ?

  December 17, 2020 My definition of friendship / relationship has changed a lot since I started my process. I've come to realize that the major part of my life, all the relationships I had allowed was only pure bullshit. Everything was based on self-interest and nothing else. I noticed that the better I felt, the smaller my circle was. At the beginning I was kind of disappointed and I was questioning myself a lot. I wasn't sure that It was the right thing to do but, at this moment I wasn't able to process the information like the way I do now. I was not really aware of the power of the ego within me, it took me a while to accept the fact that my entire life was a pure lie and that I was living it by playing a character who wasn't the real me in the physical world.  Now that I have accepted it and work on myself everyday by walking my process, all of the people I used to know as friends have almost completely disappeared from my life to let place for new people all a...
2 comments
Read more