Skip to main content

Day 31 : Consequence of my ignorance

February 19, 2021

I used a utility knife this morning and I was about to cut something with it and I felt a little resistance. I wasn't afraid to hurt myself, it was something else. I triggered this memory of when I was at school at 10 or 11 years old. We used those kind of knife for making some project. I did hurt myself with it and instead of explain to me how to use it correctly I was banned from using it. I remembered that I was ashamed of myself because I wasn't able to use a knife properly without hurting myself. I had to ask other students to cut my things and it creates anxiety within me because I was extremely shy and I felt really stupid to have been private of the use of the tool. I have been punished for my ignorance. So, this morning I take a breathe and use the tool anyway.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that memories are the principal tool of my ego to holding me back from doing what I am supposed to do in the real physical world.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience some resistance toward the utility knife because of a memory of the past.  

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself for the feeling of shyness generate by my ego mind.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe the teacher that was telling me I wasn't enough mature to use the knife.

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to understand that the school system is limited in every sphere possible. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself for the anxiety I felt because of the fact I thought I was too stupid to use a tool.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think I am stupid.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be ashamed of hurting myself by accident. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel resentment against the teacher because she said I couldn't use the knife anymore. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear talking to others students.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create some random scenarios in my mind at this moment when I had to ask for other to cut the things for me and assume they we're judging me when it was in fact only my own back chat. 

When and as I see myself using a utility knife, I stop and breathe.

I realize that if I hurt myself at the first place it was because I haven't the vocabulary correctly integrated to use the tool with awareness and that the teacher had assume that just by saying to be careful, nobody will get hurt.

I commit myself to always explain how things work to my future children and make sure they are aware of the possible danger.

I commit myself to always go over my limitation.

I commit myself to deprogram one by one all the memories that is holding me back from being equal and one with everything and everyone.

I commit myself to continue developing my vocabulary at the highest possible so no limitation are gonna stop me anymore. 

 

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

Day 3 : Friendship or Bullshit ?

  December 17, 2020 My definition of friendship / relationship has changed a lot since I started my process. I've come to realize that the major part of my life, all the relationships I had allowed was only pure bullshit. Everything was based on self-interest and nothing else. I noticed that the better I felt, the smaller my circle was. At the beginning I was kind of disappointed and I was questioning myself a lot. I wasn't sure that It was the right thing to do but, at this moment I wasn't able to process the information like the way I do now. I was not really aware of the power of the ego within me, it took me a while to accept the fact that my entire life was a pure lie and that I was living it by playing a character who wasn't the real me in the physical world.  Now that I have accepted it and work on myself everyday by walking my process, all of the people I used to know as friends have almost completely disappeared from my life to let place for new people all a
2 comments
Read more

Day 28 : Spitefulness of my ego

Febuary 5, 2021 I went to the grocery store two days ago and I never really following the rules in the store because there is not an ounce of common sense in those rules. I was in reverse in a row and there was this old lady who looked at me and told me : You are in the wrong way miss!! I just looked at her right in the eyes in silence and the back chat started in my mind. I was thinking : What the fuck is wrong with this lady ? Why is she out there if she is THAT scared of the virus ? Why she don't mind her own business , Even the people who works here leave me the fuck alone, go home and let people live their life madam. I took a deep breathe and shut my mind down. When I catch up the thoughts and took my breathe, it was like I was waking up from a possession, this was a thirty second of pure possession of my ego mind. I realize I that I felt attacked. I looked around me and realize, okay I am here, in the physical, at the grocery store, not in my mind, there is no need to reac
1 comment
Read more

Day 7 : Life of a party

December 22, 2020 Sometimes I wonder why I am the only one in the family of three children who turns out to be the most fucked up. I was the one who end up with every addiction possible ,  I was the only one who moved out of town and lived the life of a party animal, avoiding every single responsibility I could. I end up pretty bad and if my brother wouldn't have introduce me to Techno Tutor and Dip, I would have been dead right now.  I used to take so much drugs and alcohol on a regular basis and spending every single dollars I had on my addictions when I was " stable " enough to fit in the system and had a job to pay for it. When I did not had a job because I would lose it, I would always find a way out to get what I wanted. If that implied to stayed in a fucked up place with fucked up people during several days I was doing it without any hesitation. I was getting high all day and all night long hoping that nothing too bad  would happened to me. I fed my demons during s
1 comment
Read more