Day 29 : Pessimism

 February 17, 2021

I had the word "pessimism" that popped up in my Techno-Tutor today and as usual, when I have an hard time with a word, I know that there is something, some memory attached to this specific word. The definition was :

1. The feeling that things will turn out badly

2. a general disposition to look on the dark side and to expect the worst in all things. 

 I had always described myself as a positive person in the past and that is how everybody around me described me as well. I was stuck in the highest positive vibe ever even if my life was falling apart constantly. I was the happiest in a group of madness people. Everybody I knew was in a terrible condition in life, including me. The difference between us and I was that I was listening a lot others complaining and I never said anything about myself. I was a good listener but I got completely lost in my secret mind during many years. I was seeing people only to get out of the house and most of the time get high or drink with another being so I won't be alone in my addictions.

 I passed so much time alone with my mind, I was feeding the ego mind on a regular basis without even be conscious of it because I was nothing more than the  ego itself. I become the word pessimism and live it fully everyday of my life and by expecting the worst in all things, you end up getting there for sure. I can say that I always have been lucky in my bad luck, I should be dead right now. I had a toxic relationship with danger. My life was all withe or all black, I used to said that they grey zone wasn't part of me.

 I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to attached negative memories through the word pessimism.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to describe myself as an happy person when I was in fact really fucked and did not wanted anybody to noticed it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be controlled by my ego mind at a point I forget about the real physical world around me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to surround myself with negative people and expect a good outcome.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fulfill the ego mind by telling myself that if I was a good listener I was a good person. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that there was polarity that exist and that the system make sure that the people don't know that the actual balance and emotional stability exist so the loser can stay in the system of competition that we are all stuck in.

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to take my responsibilities by covering them with a fake feeling of happiness and deleted all negativity to make sure I stay in my delusion bubble of joy.

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to be aware of the real definition of happiness.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be conscious of my relationship with danger and still participate in it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself the manipulation of the ego mind that was telling me that I was a positive person.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become the ego mind at 100% and forgot about my physical body.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to put myself into situation where I am in a real tangible danger without having any awareness.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself this enormous suppression of myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that I was nothing more than ego.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to stay alone in my bullshit instead of taking action for my life.

I forgive myself for the judgment towards myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to see people just to not be alone with  my addictions.

When and as I see myself reacting to the word pessimism, I stop and breathe.

I realize that I wasn't balanced in the polarities and that once you go on a high of energy you'll go down ten times and that is what happened to me, I had based my entire decisions on a high of the positive polarity and I didn't think about the consequences.  I also realize that the ego love madness and the more you participate in it, the worst you'll get in your delusion and it can go as far as want to end up your physical life. 

I commit myself to show to people that the ego is not real and that the real physical is. 

I commit myself to always base my decisions with common sense and not an emotional reaction neither positive or negative.

I commit myself  catch my thoughts and get back into reality of the physical, breath by breath.

I commit myself to redefine every emotions and feeling that exist and see if there is other memories that comes up and apply forgiveness. 

I commit myself to become equal and one with the word pessimism.

I commit myself to see things the right ways without having any expectations.