Skip to main content

Day 37 : I am grateful

February 26, 2021 

 

I saw this memory from Facebook today where I had take the picture of my bottle of wine 2 years ago and I wrote: "I formalize one of the worst day of my life with a good bottle of high percentage organic wine."

It made me think how dramatic I was and how I was constantly feeding my ego mind with complaining. I remembered that day when my boss had yelled at me all day long because I wasn't effective at all, I was making a bunch of mistakes and the more he yelled, the more I got anxious and the more mistakes I made. I never get yelled at by a man authority before him and that scared the shit out of me so I cried my life and avoid him in the toilet. He came to the door and knock with anger and yelled me to get the fuck out or I'll be fired. I felt like he wanted to kill me, but that was just an irrational scenario that my brain created and I wasn't stable with medications so, I can totally imagine how fucked I was that day. I already apply the forgiveness for this situation but I actually did not remembered the wine part. lol

I mean, how dramatic and in lack of attention I was to write publicly that it was the worst day of my life and how fucked I was to decide that the solution was to get pissed drunk with my bottle of wine. I never wanted to take my responsibilities or honor any of the thirteen principles before, I was a selfish, dramatic, dishonest organic robot. I was thinking that I was helping others when I was in fact just looking for people to share my drama with and nothing more. Also, if this little event was formalize as the worst day of my life, I mean I knew nothing about life, I was completely blind of the real problem on this Earth and I was such a perfect fit for the actual system.

 I used to be only ego and was completely possesses by the tragedy of my life that I was creating by my self. My life had no sense before, it's been a year from now that I started using the tools and I can see now that everybody is just ego and that it is categorically impossible that someone survive as ego. All I see is programs running all around me and it is totally crazy to see. When I enter in a store I feel like I am the only one who is fully present in the place even if I am not at 100% because I know that I have a lot to do in the next years and that this is a process. I am far away from the point of living as the physical mind/rebirth and there is no rush 7 to 14 years it will be. That must be pretty amazing to rebirth as life. I am now realizing things like if I feel too comfortable it is because it is a program that is running and that I have to get out of the comfort zone and reprogram myself differently to be able to accomplish more and get rid of the bad program and the possession of the ego.

I never did something fulfilling in my life, something with real value and I never had a real purpose. I am more than grateful to have this group of people who are ready to stand up for equality and who understand what really matter in this life. I am grateful for my past as well, because it leads me here, in the journey of forgiveness and pure honesty. I am more than ready to dedicate my life to find those who wants to be part of the solution, there is nothing more valuable than that, standing up as life for life and equality.  I am not proud of me for having wanted to end my life, because life is an incredible gift but I am not judging myself for it because I made some changes in my life and I will continue to change, it is just the beginning.

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

Day 3 : Friendship or Bullshit ?

  December 17, 2020 My definition of friendship / relationship has changed a lot since I started my process. I've come to realize that the major part of my life, all the relationships I had allowed was only pure bullshit. Everything was based on self-interest and nothing else. I noticed that the better I felt, the smaller my circle was. At the beginning I was kind of disappointed and I was questioning myself a lot. I wasn't sure that It was the right thing to do but, at this moment I wasn't able to process the information like the way I do now. I was not really aware of the power of the ego within me, it took me a while to accept the fact that my entire life was a pure lie and that I was living it by playing a character who wasn't the real me in the physical world.  Now that I have accepted it and work on myself everyday by walking my process, all of the people I used to know as friends have almost completely disappeared from my life to let place for new people all a...
2 comments
Read more

Day 16 : My experience with hypnosis

January 6, 2021 When I was 14 or 15 years old, I remember that my mom bought  us ticket for a show, it was a hypnosis show with a man called Messmer, he is very popular here in Canada and also in France. At the first part of the show he tried something with all the public to see who is a good potential person to be on stage and it did not worked on me. I was looking at those on stage who were hypnotized and I thought it was impossible to agree to do such stupid things in front of a huge public like this and that it must be a show that is prepared in advance with those person who agreed to go on the stage before the show and acted like it worked. At the second part of the show he tried another thing, we had to put our hands together with our two index up only, separate from one another. We had to closed our eyes and he said a thing like " okay now, you feel your two index come closer and closer and more closer... after that he said " okay now, those who have their fingers stuc...
1 comment
Read more

Day 11 : My first party sober experience

December 31, 2020 Last night was my last Christmas party and it was the first time I had a family party sober and it was the first time I was the one who drives the other member home. At the beginning of the night, it was very challenging to look at everybody have their drink in their hand, I had this  thought that comes up  - Why have you decided to do this before your last party ?  So, I went to the bathroom and took three deep breathe and tell my ego to shut the fuck up. When I get back, I was already feeling better about myself.  Later in the evening, when the others started to feel the effect of the alcohol, I've started to analyses their comportment and what they were saying. I was blow minded to see the honesty and the pattern of everyone while their drunk. I learn so much from the past of everyone and it helps me understand a lot of things about where I truly comes from. Their demons were telling everything to me, like they felt the need to reveal me their se...
1 comment
Read more