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Day 37 : I am grateful

February 26, 2021 

 

I saw this memory from Facebook today where I had take the picture of my bottle of wine 2 years ago and I wrote: "I formalize one of the worst day of my life with a good bottle of high percentage organic wine."

It made me think how dramatic I was and how I was constantly feeding my ego mind with complaining. I remembered that day when my boss had yelled at me all day long because I wasn't effective at all, I was making a bunch of mistakes and the more he yelled, the more I got anxious and the more mistakes I made. I never get yelled at by a man authority before him and that scared the shit out of me so I cried my life and avoid him in the toilet. He came to the door and knock with anger and yelled me to get the fuck out or I'll be fired. I felt like he wanted to kill me, but that was just an irrational scenario that my brain created and I wasn't stable with medications so, I can totally imagine how fucked I was that day. I already apply the forgiveness for this situation but I actually did not remembered the wine part. lol

I mean, how dramatic and in lack of attention I was to write publicly that it was the worst day of my life and how fucked I was to decide that the solution was to get pissed drunk with my bottle of wine. I never wanted to take my responsibilities or honor any of the thirteen principles before, I was a selfish, dramatic, dishonest organic robot. I was thinking that I was helping others when I was in fact just looking for people to share my drama with and nothing more. Also, if this little event was formalize as the worst day of my life, I mean I knew nothing about life, I was completely blind of the real problem on this Earth and I was such a perfect fit for the actual system.

 I used to be only ego and was completely possesses by the tragedy of my life that I was creating by my self. My life had no sense before, it's been a year from now that I started using the tools and I can see now that everybody is just ego and that it is categorically impossible that someone survive as ego. All I see is programs running all around me and it is totally crazy to see. When I enter in a store I feel like I am the only one who is fully present in the place even if I am not at 100% because I know that I have a lot to do in the next years and that this is a process. I am far away from the point of living as the physical mind/rebirth and there is no rush 7 to 14 years it will be. That must be pretty amazing to rebirth as life. I am now realizing things like if I feel too comfortable it is because it is a program that is running and that I have to get out of the comfort zone and reprogram myself differently to be able to accomplish more and get rid of the bad program and the possession of the ego.

I never did something fulfilling in my life, something with real value and I never had a real purpose. I am more than grateful to have this group of people who are ready to stand up for equality and who understand what really matter in this life. I am grateful for my past as well, because it leads me here, in the journey of forgiveness and pure honesty. I am more than ready to dedicate my life to find those who wants to be part of the solution, there is nothing more valuable than that, standing up as life for life and equality.  I am not proud of me for having wanted to end my life, because life is an incredible gift but I am not judging myself for it because I made some changes in my life and I will continue to change, it is just the beginning.

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