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Day 27 : My hate for mathematics

 February 2, 2021

During my Techno Tutor session today,  I had a couple words list about math, there was a lot of math words and it took me much more time than normal to achieve those list and I felt terrible during the time I was doing it. I also had all these flash back where I remember how I suck at math. It was the first time that I got a physical reaction like this one through math list because there was a lot more and it triggered a lot of memories within me when I defined those words.

There is something that I have never been good at in life and it is mathematics. I feel ashamed to write it publicly  and saying it out loud will be painful inside of me because I am living with it since primary school. I was putted in special classes for students with difficulties in math and till the end of high school I failed math. I had to do my math of secondary 3, three times. I end up at the adult school to finally  pas my math 3 and 4 plus my English of secondary 5 and got my diploma. I chose a program in college where no mathematics were needed to make sure I feel comfortable. I was understanding the Math more when I was at the adult school because we were less in the class and the teacher was really taking the time with us and also, I was really willing to get the fuck out of there. 

All the friends I had were good at school, so I felt like a freaking retarded when I was the only one who need to go to that school but at the same time, I wasn't surprised, it was just painful for my ego mind to deal with this situation. I always fear the moment I would have kids and not be able to help them with math.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience resistances doing my techno Tutor today because there was words related to math and it triggered some memories of the past. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in the mind by allowing those flashback of me failing mathematics and start feeling bad about it instead of  taking the responsibility to assist myself with a deep breath and cancel the negative thoughts.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that mathematics is just vocabulary and that I wasn't necessarily bad at it but I didn't integrated it properly.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel ashamed of saying publicly that I suck at math during my time at school.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to said that I suck at math.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to assume that I will be in pain saying this out loud when it is in fact another words from the ego mind that is scared of being shut down. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear the judgment of others by writing this blog when I was in fact judging my own self.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that the school system is designed to classify students by there grades and that I would have fight my entire life to  have good grades and I would have end up in debts because school is also really expensive and you pay for it till you succeed, no matter how many time you have to do it again.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have compare myself with my friends and participate into the competition war in my mind.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that mathematics is everywhere and that I am living it everyday of my life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hate mathematics just because I was frustrating to not understanding it. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think I was retarded. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to let the ego mind feed itself on my failures and get disappointed by it. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear the moment I will have kids because I assume I was bad at math. 

When and as I see myself thinking or doing mathematics, I stop and breathe.

I realize that I can rebuild my relation with mathematics with Techno Tutor and that it is not too late for me and that this is not going to be a problem with my future kids because I have the time now to apply myself and integrate the vocabulary of it and in the right manner. I also realize that the starting point of hate and frustration is always due to something that we don't understand and not able to communicate because of the lack of vocabulary.

I commit myself to be equal and one with all the math vocabulary and integrate and define all of the words related to it. 

I commit myself to practice more mathematics in the real physical world. 

I commit myself to get over my resistance to math breath by breath.

I commit myself to stop the self-judgment.

 



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