Skip to main content

Day 27 : My hate for mathematics

 February 2, 2021

During my Techno Tutor session today,  I had a couple words list about math, there was a lot of math words and it took me much more time than normal to achieve those list and I felt terrible during the time I was doing it. I also had all these flash back where I remember how I suck at math. It was the first time that I got a physical reaction like this one through math list because there was a lot more and it triggered a lot of memories within me when I defined those words.

There is something that I have never been good at in life and it is mathematics. I feel ashamed to write it publicly  and saying it out loud will be painful inside of me because I am living with it since primary school. I was putted in special classes for students with difficulties in math and till the end of high school I failed math. I had to do my math of secondary 3, three times. I end up at the adult school to finally  pas my math 3 and 4 plus my English of secondary 5 and got my diploma. I chose a program in college where no mathematics were needed to make sure I feel comfortable. I was understanding the Math more when I was at the adult school because we were less in the class and the teacher was really taking the time with us and also, I was really willing to get the fuck out of there. 

All the friends I had were good at school, so I felt like a freaking retarded when I was the only one who need to go to that school but at the same time, I wasn't surprised, it was just painful for my ego mind to deal with this situation. I always fear the moment I would have kids and not be able to help them with math.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience resistances doing my techno Tutor today because there was words related to math and it triggered some memories of the past. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in the mind by allowing those flashback of me failing mathematics and start feeling bad about it instead of  taking the responsibility to assist myself with a deep breath and cancel the negative thoughts.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that mathematics is just vocabulary and that I wasn't necessarily bad at it but I didn't integrated it properly.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel ashamed of saying publicly that I suck at math during my time at school.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to said that I suck at math.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to assume that I will be in pain saying this out loud when it is in fact another words from the ego mind that is scared of being shut down. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear the judgment of others by writing this blog when I was in fact judging my own self.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that the school system is designed to classify students by there grades and that I would have fight my entire life to  have good grades and I would have end up in debts because school is also really expensive and you pay for it till you succeed, no matter how many time you have to do it again.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have compare myself with my friends and participate into the competition war in my mind.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that mathematics is everywhere and that I am living it everyday of my life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hate mathematics just because I was frustrating to not understanding it. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think I was retarded. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to let the ego mind feed itself on my failures and get disappointed by it. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear the moment I will have kids because I assume I was bad at math. 

When and as I see myself thinking or doing mathematics, I stop and breathe.

I realize that I can rebuild my relation with mathematics with Techno Tutor and that it is not too late for me and that this is not going to be a problem with my future kids because I have the time now to apply myself and integrate the vocabulary of it and in the right manner. I also realize that the starting point of hate and frustration is always due to something that we don't understand and not able to communicate because of the lack of vocabulary.

I commit myself to be equal and one with all the math vocabulary and integrate and define all of the words related to it. 

I commit myself to practice more mathematics in the real physical world. 

I commit myself to get over my resistance to math breath by breath.

I commit myself to stop the self-judgment.

 



Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

Day 12 : Eating disorder/Anorexia

January 1st, 2021  I talked about my self-image problem in a previous blog that I wrote and I wanted to come back on the point of the anorexia. I used to be the kind of anorexic who was avoiding food like the pests. I wasn't just counting the calories, I was just not eating at all during several days. Sometimes I was forced to eat when I could not find a way out and that I had no more inspiration for a new lie to tell my parents. There was some lies I was telling like,  I need to stay longer after school to finish an homework with others or I want to go out with friends, I could not used this one too much because my parents wanted me home after school and not with friends so I won't do stupid things if I am home with them, which I did obviously. I started amphetamine at this stage of my life, so I became more creative with the lies I was telling them to avoid eating. That was the dreamy drug for me because it suppressed my entire appetite so that was the number one reason why ...
Post a Comment
Read more

Day 13 : Me as a kid fearing the dark

January 2, 2021   When I was a kid, I was scared of the dark. I needed my lamp at night and there was no way that I could quit the basement peacefully when I was closing the light to go upstairs, I was running the fastest I can and make sure to never look back in case that something or someone was following me. I was always feeling observed at night, like there was some presence in the same room as me.   Darkness was making me vulnerable and stressed out because I wasn't seeing what was happening around me and did not know if I could get hurt or if someone dangerous as enter the house to scared me etc. In resume , my fear of the unknown creates this pattern within me where I imagined all the worst cases scenarios possible that can happened to me every time I was not in control of what I was seeing around me. Obviously when I grown up I stayed with my fear of the unknown because the same program was running in my head since a very young age and I duplicate the exact same patter...
1 comment
Read more

Day 17 : Fear of bees

January 7, 2021 Last summer, I was making a BBQ outside on the balcony and there was a lot of bees around so I looked for the source to see if it was close to me and I remarked a little honeycomb very close to the door. My first reaction was fear because it triggered a really bad memory within me. I wanted it to be burned immediately because that's what my father used to do when there was one to close to the house. When I was a 9 years old, I was playing in the schoolyard with my friends and I had this brilliant idea to go on the other side of the fence, I was feeling adventurous. My two friends went first and they passed in the little forest with ease without anything happening. When it was my turn to jump the fence, I did it successfully but I got stuck in something. I thought it was one of those plants that have some spikes on it so I didn't want to moved in case I make the situation worst. It started to become really painful all over my body so I started to freaked out and...
Post a Comment
Read more