𝑲𝒂𝒓𝒐𝒍-𝒂𝒏𝒏❜𝒔 𝑱𝒐𝒖𝒓𝒏𝒆𝒚 𝑻𝒐 𝑳𝒊𝒇𝒆

December 31, 2020 Last night was my last Christmas party and it was the first time I had a family party sober and it was the first time I was the one who drives the other member home. At the beginning of the night, it was very challenging to look at everybody have their drink in their hand, I had this  thought that comes up  - Why have you decided to do this before your last party ?  So, I went to the bathroom and took three deep breathe and tell my ego to shut the fuck up. When I get back, I was already feeling better about myself.  Later in the evening, when the others started to feel the effect of the alcohol, I've started to analyses their comportment and what they were saying. I was blow minded to see the honesty and the pattern of everyone while their drunk. I learn so much from the past of everyone and it helps me understand a lot of things about where I truly comes from. Their demons were telling everything to me, like they felt the need to reveal me their se...

December 29, 2020     I had stop drinking alcohol during three months to see how I would feel and I felt really amazing. I was way more productive and my body and mind was perfectly aligned. I had some family parties recently for Christmas and I had a couple drinks and I went to bed very late. I can see now why alcohol is completely evil.These last few days I experiences some down and I felt tired so I wasn't at my 100% capacity and my mind as tried to trick me plenty times but I was aware it was because I drank.  Alcohol is part of my programming, I am seeing my family drinking since I am a little baby, I have a picture of me when I was 1 or 2 years old with my sunglasses, holding an empty beer. It is within me since forever and I experience some resistances towards stopping it completely for the rest of my life, even if I am conscious of the damage that it does to me but, I am also aware that it is just the evil ego mind that is trying to convince me that I need it. I f...

December 26, 2020 In the past, I used to be very shy and I remember that every time I felt uncomfortable I would laugh as a defense mechanism because I would feel dumb for what I just said or simply because I do not understood what is going on in a conversation which  was making me feel  even more stupid. I had such a low capacity to treat the information and my self-esteem was at 0%, it was a constant hell in my mind. I was avoiding people who could have bring me some great value in life just because I assumed I wasn't enough intelligent to have some brilliant conversation.  My lack of vocabulary was so intense that I was always using humor in every situation so I became the "funny girl " who never say or do anything serious. I create a clown character within myself to avoid my inner powerful anxiety. I was  nourishing the ego mind with a bunch of bad words, I would always call myself  crazy and weird. I repeated those two words every single day and I just beca...

December 23, 2020 The mother of my mom has always been such a special character, she has always the right thing to say to make you feel like a piece of garbage. I remember when I was seven years old, she bring me a book for weight loss and told me that I really should start to read it before it's too late for me.  It destroyed my self-image for a long time and I struggled with how I looked so much that I became an anorexic later and developed a shitty relationship with food during years, which I'll talk later in another blog. Every time I saw her, she was telling me rough thing abut how I looked like - your hair is ugly, don't cut it that way ever again, I don't like your dark hair, you look better in blond, you look evil with your black hair, don't eat that you'll get fatter, you gain weight, you are blemish, you look tired, where is your boyfriend ? why are you so shy ? why have you so much acne in your face, don't you know how to take care of yourself ? e...

December 22, 2020 Sometimes I wonder why I am the only one in the family of three children who turns out to be the most fucked up. I was the one who end up with every addiction possible ,  I was the only one who moved out of town and lived the life of a party animal, avoiding every single responsibility I could. I end up pretty bad and if my brother wouldn't have introduce me to Techno Tutor and Dip, I would have been dead right now.  I used to take so much drugs and alcohol on a regular basis and spending every single dollars I had on my addictions when I was " stable " enough to fit in the system and had a job to pay for it. When I did not had a job because I would lose it, I would always find a way out to get what I wanted. If that implied to stayed in a fucked up place with fucked up people during several days I was doing it without any hesitation. I was getting high all day and all night long hoping that nothing too bad  would happened to me. I fed my demons during s...

My relationship with my mom has always been a big issue for a while, I really thought that she hated me and she thought I was doing everything just to make her mad. I was letting myself drag a lot around the house, my room was a total mess. I try several time to keep it clean and to not leave my things everywhere in the house but it was so difficult, my mind was the reflection of my room and also my life. My dad offered to pay me 20$ if I kept my room clean and it worked only during a week so my mom gave up and decided to leave me alone with my messy room but, she wanted the door close cause she didn't wanted to see it. I was super shy and anxious at school and I was not good to bring some great notes at home and I developed huge stressed issues on that point because I knew my mom would be mad as hell and punish me. I was shy with others being but not with her.  I was in a constant fight or flight in her presence and replying on everything she says, we couldn't talk without fig...

December 19, 2020   Yesterday I wrote a bit about me as a teenager and how I was a suppressing myself by staying trap in my mind  and believing my ego who was telling me that I was a piece of shit who would never do nothing good with my life because I was a weak sensible woman with no purpose and that everything was "too big" for me. I accepted the fact that in life, they exist two types of people, those who succeed and will have a super wealthy life and those who failed and struggle for survival every single minute of there life. I wasn't even conceiving that I could at least reach the middle class, it was clear for me when I turn 15 years old that I did not have the word success integrated within me. School was literally hell for me, I sucked at it and I hated it because I did not understand anything because I had zero interest in school at all so I never studied or did the homework. My mom and I had a shitty relationship together , it was fight after fight because I al...

December 18, 2020   I remembered that during my childhood my parents used to overprotected me. I was their only girl and I was the younger after my two older brothers.  I was this fragile little thing who needed to be taking care of. During years I was surrounded by their fears of me getting hurt and by their constant stress. They were both naturally stressed out by everything and had a huge lack of confidence and I literally become the same as them, in ten time worst.  As a teenager I felt trap, anxious and depressed and I generally did not know why I was feeling this way. I was over emotional and always crying for no reason. I was still this fragile little thing who wasn't able to deal with her own self.  Life become more and more difficult with all the stress that was inside me.  Fight or flight used to be my constant mood for a while and I was truly living the word "stress" within me on a daily basis.  I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed m...

  December 17, 2020 My definition of friendship / relationship has changed a lot since I started my process. I've come to realize that the major part of my life, all the relationships I had allowed was only pure bullshit. Everything was based on self-interest and nothing else. I noticed that the better I felt, the smaller my circle was. At the beginning I was kind of disappointed and I was questioning myself a lot. I wasn't sure that It was the right thing to do but, at this moment I wasn't able to process the information like the way I do now. I was not really aware of the power of the ego within me, it took me a while to accept the fact that my entire life was a pure lie and that I was living it by playing a character who wasn't the real me in the physical world.  Now that I have accepted it and work on myself everyday by walking my process, all of the people I used to know as friends have almost completely disappeared from my life to let place for new people all a...

December16, 2020 Today I went to see my grandmother with my brother.She showed me the bunch of medications that she needs to take now that she is back from the hospital.There was a lot of pills,that was scary. Now that I understand how pharmaceutical drugs is dangerous and also how evil this industry is, I freaked out for a moment, knowing that I was powerless in this situation. I felt guilty to leave her in the unknown of the danger that all this chemicals can do to her. I took a look at the rainbow pills on her desk and remarks one in particular, it was a pill that I used to take for a while during the last few years of my life named Zoloft. It's been 10 months now that I am free from the bunch of anti-depressant that I was taking and I never felt so great in my entire life. Those pills was keeping me dumb and make me feel like a pure vegetable,it was simply suppressing my ability to think clearly. I was pissed off to know that my grandma was forced to take this crap that I free...

December 15, 2020 Here I am, first time writing a blog and I don't know exactly what topic I should write about. Writing blogs means exposing my mind to others and if I keep doing self-forgiveness on my own and not showing it to anybody, I will never evolved in my process and it will only nourished my secret mind. I am experiencing a lot of emotional reactions towards this writing like - fear of judgment, uncertainty, anxiety The human nature tempt to always compare itself to others and I have an hard time telling my ego to shut up on this particular point as well. Do I really don't know what to write about or it is just a mechanism of defense that my mind is using to holding me back from doing it ? and producing multiples negatives thoughts about my own self.   I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to avoid writing blogs knowing that avoiding mean that I am accepting a limitation within myself. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exp...