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Day 6 : Bad programing and having kids


My relationship with my mom has always been a big issue for a while, I really thought that she hated me and she thought I was doing everything just to make her mad. I was letting myself drag a lot around the house, my room was a total mess. I try several time to keep it clean and to not leave my things everywhere in the house but it was so difficult, my mind was the reflection of my room and also my life. My dad offered to pay me 20$ if I kept my room clean and it worked only during a week so my mom gave up and decided to leave me alone with my messy room but, she wanted the door close cause she didn't wanted to see it.

I was super shy and anxious at school and I was not good to bring some great notes at home and I developed huge stressed issues on that point because I knew my mom would be mad as hell and punish me. I was shy with others being but not with her.  I was in a constant fight or flight in her presence and replying on everything she says, we couldn't talk without fighting at the end. My mom made me cry so many times and I made her cry several times too.

She once went into my room when I wasn't there and read my journal. I was so pissed off I stop talking to her for an entire week. I was feeling betrayed and I was disgusted by her behavior. I felt like I was private from my privacy and that I could not trust anyone in the family but my dad. My brother were always together and didn't give a fuck about me so I felt alone a lot.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to  think that my mom hated me during several years because we were always in a fight when it was in fact due to our low communication skills and low capacity to treat information.

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to try harder on the chores knowing that it would have reduce some conflicts between my mom and I.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience anxiety and stressed when I receive a bad notes at school and reflect the reaction of my mom before I get home.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to assume that I wasn't good enough to bring good notes home and for not asking for help.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to always be in the fight or flight mode and react with negativity to my mom.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel betrayed and disgusted by my mom when she read my journal and stop talking to her instead of asking her why she did that.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to nourish my secret mind on a regular basis by writing about my thoughts that the ego was creating itself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to tell awful things to my mom and make her cry in the name of vengeance.

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to be grateful for my mom to put me on Earth which is the gift of life. 

When and as I see myself fighting with my mom, I stop and breathe.

I realize that my mom had a terrible childhood with her abusive mother and that she was programmed to be like this and that she made a lot of efforts to not be the same as her mother and that it let her in a constant fight with her own self in her mind because she was broken and unstable. I realize that she did love me because she always did what is was in the best interest of her kid and prove her love with actions every day like , making us food, pay the bills so we can have a roof on our head, bought us some clothes, pay for our education and stuff like that which I am truly grateful for. I realize that my mom and I used to be the exact same person and that the bad programming was in fact, the reflection of multiple generation who was as fucked up as we were.

I commit myself to support my mother with the tools that she now have and bring her to a higher level in her life, make her gain self-confidence, awareness, responsibility and honesty.

I commit myself to stabilize myself enough and take the more support I can about parenting before having my children and when the time will come, support my child with the tool and make sure they are limitless and fearless little beings.

I commit myself to find out everything about my programing and  work through it one breath at the time, with the tools I have and programmed myself to be the best version of myself. 

I commit myself to  stand up for children who don't have access to the basics needs by distributing the only solution which is education.

I commit myself to continue working on the development of the first and the second wave till the day I die by creating effective humans beings here on Earth and support them.

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