Skip to main content

Day 6 : Bad programing and having kids


My relationship with my mom has always been a big issue for a while, I really thought that she hated me and she thought I was doing everything just to make her mad. I was letting myself drag a lot around the house, my room was a total mess. I try several time to keep it clean and to not leave my things everywhere in the house but it was so difficult, my mind was the reflection of my room and also my life. My dad offered to pay me 20$ if I kept my room clean and it worked only during a week so my mom gave up and decided to leave me alone with my messy room but, she wanted the door close cause she didn't wanted to see it.

I was super shy and anxious at school and I was not good to bring some great notes at home and I developed huge stressed issues on that point because I knew my mom would be mad as hell and punish me. I was shy with others being but not with her.  I was in a constant fight or flight in her presence and replying on everything she says, we couldn't talk without fighting at the end. My mom made me cry so many times and I made her cry several times too.

She once went into my room when I wasn't there and read my journal. I was so pissed off I stop talking to her for an entire week. I was feeling betrayed and I was disgusted by her behavior. I felt like I was private from my privacy and that I could not trust anyone in the family but my dad. My brother were always together and didn't give a fuck about me so I felt alone a lot.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to  think that my mom hated me during several years because we were always in a fight when it was in fact due to our low communication skills and low capacity to treat information.

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to try harder on the chores knowing that it would have reduce some conflicts between my mom and I.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience anxiety and stressed when I receive a bad notes at school and reflect the reaction of my mom before I get home.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to assume that I wasn't good enough to bring good notes home and for not asking for help.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to always be in the fight or flight mode and react with negativity to my mom.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel betrayed and disgusted by my mom when she read my journal and stop talking to her instead of asking her why she did that.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to nourish my secret mind on a regular basis by writing about my thoughts that the ego was creating itself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to tell awful things to my mom and make her cry in the name of vengeance.

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to be grateful for my mom to put me on Earth which is the gift of life. 

When and as I see myself fighting with my mom, I stop and breathe.

I realize that my mom had a terrible childhood with her abusive mother and that she was programmed to be like this and that she made a lot of efforts to not be the same as her mother and that it let her in a constant fight with her own self in her mind because she was broken and unstable. I realize that she did love me because she always did what is was in the best interest of her kid and prove her love with actions every day like , making us food, pay the bills so we can have a roof on our head, bought us some clothes, pay for our education and stuff like that which I am truly grateful for. I realize that my mom and I used to be the exact same person and that the bad programming was in fact, the reflection of multiple generation who was as fucked up as we were.

I commit myself to support my mother with the tools that she now have and bring her to a higher level in her life, make her gain self-confidence, awareness, responsibility and honesty.

I commit myself to stabilize myself enough and take the more support I can about parenting before having my children and when the time will come, support my child with the tool and make sure they are limitless and fearless little beings.

I commit myself to find out everything about my programing and  work through it one breath at the time, with the tools I have and programmed myself to be the best version of myself. 

I commit myself to  stand up for children who don't have access to the basics needs by distributing the only solution which is education.

I commit myself to continue working on the development of the first and the second wave till the day I die by creating effective humans beings here on Earth and support them.

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

Day 22 : Why do I hate priest

  January 20, 2021 At the age of 7 years old, I had a course where we were sitting in circle and talked about Jesus during hours and at the age of 8, our parents had the choice to put us in a course called moral instead of Jesus course. I was begged my parents to go in this new class because I didn't give a damn about Jesus. They refused because both of them have been raised with a Christian mom and that was the way they were programed. They were not fanatic of it but we still went to church for special event like when someone get married or when a new baby was born to get his baptism.  My two brothers and I also had to do this Jesus course at church. There was three different steps and these course were on a period of three years. I made the first and the second course but I begged my parents to end it there because it was ridiculous for me to do that, we weren't that much people at school doing that and I was ashamed. I didn't had to make the third course, I was so gratef...
Post a Comment
Read more

Day 39 : One more step

 March 1, 2021 I had my first distributor call today and I experienced a different kind of stress, it was a good stress, a necessary one. What I mean by that is that I wasn't stock in my mind before it was my turn to talk, I was really present in the moment. I would normally think about what I would said and freak the fuck out and not listen to what other said during the call and let my ego killing me with awful negative thoughts. This time, I was able to listen to others and enjoy the moment. I knew that I wouldn't talk with ease but I was okay with it, I made peace with it. I could feel the stress within me but only in a physical way, I talked really fast and my voice was shaking but I was not feeling bad about it because I was aware that it is something that I will get rid of with practice and time. I will have to do it over and over again to gain some confidence within me to be able to talk with ease in front of a large group, in another language. The difference this time w...
Post a Comment
Read more

Day 12 : Eating disorder/Anorexia

January 1st, 2021  I talked about my self-image problem in a previous blog that I wrote and I wanted to come back on the point of the anorexia. I used to be the kind of anorexic who was avoiding food like the pests. I wasn't just counting the calories, I was just not eating at all during several days. Sometimes I was forced to eat when I could not find a way out and that I had no more inspiration for a new lie to tell my parents. There was some lies I was telling like,  I need to stay longer after school to finish an homework with others or I want to go out with friends, I could not used this one too much because my parents wanted me home after school and not with friends so I won't do stupid things if I am home with them, which I did obviously. I started amphetamine at this stage of my life, so I became more creative with the lies I was telling them to avoid eating. That was the dreamy drug for me because it suppressed my entire appetite so that was the number one reason why ...
Post a Comment
Read more