Skip to main content

Day 6 : Bad programing and having kids


My relationship with my mom has always been a big issue for a while, I really thought that she hated me and she thought I was doing everything just to make her mad. I was letting myself drag a lot around the house, my room was a total mess. I try several time to keep it clean and to not leave my things everywhere in the house but it was so difficult, my mind was the reflection of my room and also my life. My dad offered to pay me 20$ if I kept my room clean and it worked only during a week so my mom gave up and decided to leave me alone with my messy room but, she wanted the door close cause she didn't wanted to see it.

I was super shy and anxious at school and I was not good to bring some great notes at home and I developed huge stressed issues on that point because I knew my mom would be mad as hell and punish me. I was shy with others being but not with her.  I was in a constant fight or flight in her presence and replying on everything she says, we couldn't talk without fighting at the end. My mom made me cry so many times and I made her cry several times too.

She once went into my room when I wasn't there and read my journal. I was so pissed off I stop talking to her for an entire week. I was feeling betrayed and I was disgusted by her behavior. I felt like I was private from my privacy and that I could not trust anyone in the family but my dad. My brother were always together and didn't give a fuck about me so I felt alone a lot.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to  think that my mom hated me during several years because we were always in a fight when it was in fact due to our low communication skills and low capacity to treat information.

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to try harder on the chores knowing that it would have reduce some conflicts between my mom and I.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience anxiety and stressed when I receive a bad notes at school and reflect the reaction of my mom before I get home.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to assume that I wasn't good enough to bring good notes home and for not asking for help.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to always be in the fight or flight mode and react with negativity to my mom.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel betrayed and disgusted by my mom when she read my journal and stop talking to her instead of asking her why she did that.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to nourish my secret mind on a regular basis by writing about my thoughts that the ego was creating itself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to tell awful things to my mom and make her cry in the name of vengeance.

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to be grateful for my mom to put me on Earth which is the gift of life. 

When and as I see myself fighting with my mom, I stop and breathe.

I realize that my mom had a terrible childhood with her abusive mother and that she was programmed to be like this and that she made a lot of efforts to not be the same as her mother and that it let her in a constant fight with her own self in her mind because she was broken and unstable. I realize that she did love me because she always did what is was in the best interest of her kid and prove her love with actions every day like , making us food, pay the bills so we can have a roof on our head, bought us some clothes, pay for our education and stuff like that which I am truly grateful for. I realize that my mom and I used to be the exact same person and that the bad programming was in fact, the reflection of multiple generation who was as fucked up as we were.

I commit myself to support my mother with the tools that she now have and bring her to a higher level in her life, make her gain self-confidence, awareness, responsibility and honesty.

I commit myself to stabilize myself enough and take the more support I can about parenting before having my children and when the time will come, support my child with the tool and make sure they are limitless and fearless little beings.

I commit myself to find out everything about my programing and  work through it one breath at the time, with the tools I have and programmed myself to be the best version of myself. 

I commit myself to  stand up for children who don't have access to the basics needs by distributing the only solution which is education.

I commit myself to continue working on the development of the first and the second wave till the day I die by creating effective humans beings here on Earth and support them.

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

Day 3 : Friendship or Bullshit ?

  December 17, 2020 My definition of friendship / relationship has changed a lot since I started my process. I've come to realize that the major part of my life, all the relationships I had allowed was only pure bullshit. Everything was based on self-interest and nothing else. I noticed that the better I felt, the smaller my circle was. At the beginning I was kind of disappointed and I was questioning myself a lot. I wasn't sure that It was the right thing to do but, at this moment I wasn't able to process the information like the way I do now. I was not really aware of the power of the ego within me, it took me a while to accept the fact that my entire life was a pure lie and that I was living it by playing a character who wasn't the real me in the physical world.  Now that I have accepted it and work on myself everyday by walking my process, all of the people I used to know as friends have almost completely disappeared from my life to let place for new people all a...
2 comments
Read more

Day 16 : My experience with hypnosis

January 6, 2021 When I was 14 or 15 years old, I remember that my mom bought  us ticket for a show, it was a hypnosis show with a man called Messmer, he is very popular here in Canada and also in France. At the first part of the show he tried something with all the public to see who is a good potential person to be on stage and it did not worked on me. I was looking at those on stage who were hypnotized and I thought it was impossible to agree to do such stupid things in front of a huge public like this and that it must be a show that is prepared in advance with those person who agreed to go on the stage before the show and acted like it worked. At the second part of the show he tried another thing, we had to put our hands together with our two index up only, separate from one another. We had to closed our eyes and he said a thing like " okay now, you feel your two index come closer and closer and more closer... after that he said " okay now, those who have their fingers stuc...
1 comment
Read more

Day 11 : My first party sober experience

December 31, 2020 Last night was my last Christmas party and it was the first time I had a family party sober and it was the first time I was the one who drives the other member home. At the beginning of the night, it was very challenging to look at everybody have their drink in their hand, I had this  thought that comes up  - Why have you decided to do this before your last party ?  So, I went to the bathroom and took three deep breathe and tell my ego to shut the fuck up. When I get back, I was already feeling better about myself.  Later in the evening, when the others started to feel the effect of the alcohol, I've started to analyses their comportment and what they were saying. I was blow minded to see the honesty and the pattern of everyone while their drunk. I learn so much from the past of everyone and it helps me understand a lot of things about where I truly comes from. Their demons were telling everything to me, like they felt the need to reveal me their se...
1 comment
Read more