Day 11 : My first party sober experience

December 31, 2020

Last night was my last Christmas party and it was the first time I had a family party sober and it was the first time I was the one who drives the other member home. At the beginning of the night, it was very challenging to look at everybody have their drink in their hand, I had this  thought that comes up  - Why have you decided to do this before your last party ?  So, I went to the bathroom and took three deep breathe and tell my ego to shut the fuck up. When I get back, I was already feeling better about myself. 

Later in the evening, when the others started to feel the effect of the alcohol, I've started to analyses their comportment and what they were saying. I was blow minded to see the honesty and the pattern of everyone while their drunk. I learn so much from the past of everyone and it helps me understand a lot of things about where I truly comes from. Their demons were telling everything to me, like they felt the need to reveal me their secret mind.

 The more the night advance, the more I became annoyed because their state was decreasing and I wasn't able to have a normal conversation so, there was some judgment that appears within me towards them so I decided to lay on the couch in the room beside the bar room till they decided to want to leave. I am grateful that I saw them all but it also hit me a bit to see how fucked the family is. I knew it but I was still in denial and last night I heard and see everything I needed to get out of this denial that I created within me.

 I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience some resistance towards my decision of getting sober for a year just before my last Christmas party.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the thought " Why have you decided to do this before your last party ?" knowing that it was just the evil ego mind who tried to take control and see if I was truly self-honest about my commitment.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that nobody was feeling the need to tell things just because I was sober but just because drunk people are all revealing their secret mind when the alcohol kick in.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to kept myself in denial for so long by nourishing my demons in every occasions I could to avoid the reality which is , everyone is fucked, not just my family but everybody who don't want to take their  responsibilities and uses the tools to change their programing because if they don't use it, they are gonna stay trap in their mind demon for ever and there is gonna be so much consequences.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to became annoyed by my family member because of the conversations that was decreasing and left the room instead of enjoying the present moment with them.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have some judgment towards my family member when I became annoyed by hearing them talking.

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to ask question about the past of the family before that day to help me understand more my programing because I was in this pattern of suppression again.

When and as I see myself  negative resisting my commitment, I stop and breathe.

 I realize that alcohol have been a poisoning tool in the family to express clearly the emotions that are trap inside the body and that are never take in charge and I realize that the judgment I had towards my family was in fact a reflection of the judgment I have for myself because I have been this person who let her mind demons control all the physical body while I was getting drunk and said and act stupid around others so when I saw them , I saw the mirror of me, and who I was and who I don't want to be anymore. I realize that I've created a wall of denial for myself to avoid the fact I needed help myself with the alcohol issue. This night as been really eyes opening to me so I commit myself to have a good influence on my family member by showing them what can be possible and what you can achieve when you are sober.

I commit myself to used the tools to let all the resistance towards asking questions to the family about the past go and work through every single point and reaction that comes up.

I commit myself to be grateful and embrace every sober day.

I commit myself to show the family and the world that consequences are real and that actions need to be taken because that world need to change before it is too late and introduce them to the only solution which is the creation of a world that is best for all.

I commit myself to continue assist myself with deep breathe when anything come up about a desire of drinking or a reaction towards the family.

I commit myself to make this 2021 year a productive, healthy and incredible one to become the best version of myself and achieve my goals and going through my fears by challenging myself more than ever.

I commit myself to always remember myself that alcohol is part of this abuse in this world and that while I am drinking I am not doing what is best for all and I go against the principles.