December 23, 2020
The mother of my mom has always been such a special character, she has always the right thing to say to make you feel like a piece of garbage. I remember when I was seven years old, she bring me a book for weight loss and told me that I really should start to read it before it's too late for me. It destroyed my self-image for a long time and I struggled with how I looked so much that I became an anorexic later and developed a shitty relationship with food during years, which I'll talk later in another blog.
Every time I saw her, she was telling me rough thing abut how I looked like - your hair is ugly, don't cut it that way ever again, I don't like your dark hair, you look better in blond, you look evil with your black hair, don't eat that you'll get fatter, you gain weight, you are blemish, you look tired, where is your boyfriend ? why are you so shy ? why have you so much acne in your face, don't you know how to take care of yourself ? etc.. During years she kept telling me those kind of stuff and I when I turn 19 I started to reply to her and I kind of stopped being polite with her so I just decided to stop talking to her because I decided I didn't need this bunch of negative energy around me anymore and that it was enough. I wanted to stop talking to her before I start hating her but it was already within me , I had developed so much anger towards her it was draining all my energy. She has telling me that she was sorry for everything 2 years ago, and I still have a lot of resistance towards her because I don't trust her when she said that she is sorry. I know that it is part of her programming and that if she don't use the tools to change that, she will always be the same.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to developed a bad relationship with food that led me to anorexia just because someone said some words that I perceived as hurting and took them seriously and make those words as my reality and suffered from it during all my life.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to don't see that my grandmother was in fact projecting her bad perception of herself on me.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to see my grandma as someone superior as me and assumed that what she said about me was true.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience this huge negative energy towards her and developed the feeling of hate which was totally draining me.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to being drained by the feeling of hate towards my grandma when I should just have breathe and put my energy in a better place but kept listen the ego mind that was convincing me that all of the hate toward her was valid because of all the things I go through when I was in fact the only responsible for my actions.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience anger toward another being and don't see that I was in fact hating me for believing all the bullshit I was told by my grandmother.
When and as I see myself thinking about the bad things my grandma said to me, I stop and breathe.
I realize that she started telling me shitty stuff when I was in my natural learning ability and that it really had a huge impact on how I see myself now and for many years but, I can now reprogrammed myself to like what I see when I look at myself in the mirror and stop the back chat that is haunting me constantly. I realize those words were in fact just not properly integrated within me and that I can totally delete the negative charge that I have towards them. I realize that my grandma act this way because it is literally in her DNA and that nothing on Earth can change her but Techno Tutor and Forgiveness. I also realize that the fact I saw her as superior gave her power to abuse me more and that it not acceptable at all but that does not mean that I has the right to developed so much anger. I realize that I hated myself during all theses years for having being so naive by believing another human being that I trusted as someone sane for me because it was a family member.
I commit myself to continue visit her just to plant seed in her mind about the tools and make her realize that if she don't have it, she'll be screwed for the rest of her life and that if she is not interested to change her programing, I would have no interest to waist my time with her anymore so I commit myself to be more ruthless when I know that it is what is best.
I commit myself to make forgiveness for every single part of my body on a regular basis and put it into Techno Tutor to make sure it is really integrated within me.
I commit myself to put all the bad sentences I was told as a kid in TT and redefine every single words to make sure I don't have any negative charge towards them and become equal and one with each one of them.
I commit myself to breathe by breathe, stand up when I see abusive parents or grandparents behaviors towards children of this world.
I commit myself to become a master at sales and bring value in the life of people that are ready to be part of the 1% and support them till they become enough effective to bring people in it too.
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