Day 9 : Me as a funny character

December 26, 2020

In the past, I used to be very shy and I remember that every time I felt uncomfortable I would laugh as a defense mechanism because I would feel dumb for what I just said or simply because I do not understood what is going on in a conversation which  was making me feel  even more stupid. I had such a low capacity to treat the information and my self-esteem was at 0%, it was a constant hell in my mind. I was avoiding people who could have bring me some great value in life just because I assumed I wasn't enough intelligent to have some brilliant conversation. 

My lack of vocabulary was so intense that I was always using humor in every situation so I became the "funny girl " who never say or do anything serious. I create a clown character within myself to avoid my inner powerful anxiety. I was  nourishing the ego mind with a bunch of bad words, I would always call myself  crazy and weird. I repeated those two words every single day and I just became it for real.When I was saying stupidity, people was laughing and the more people laughed the more my ego mind was being fed and wanted more of this powerful energy that was created within me. I was always using this character to avoided every emotion that I had, I was this happy girl around my circle of friends but when I was in class or at home it was a enormous challenge to stay alone with my mind, it was dangerous. When I was arriving home after school my energy was so low so I help to the creation of friction at home with the family. My parents did not believe me when I said I was an happy person in general in life with everybody because I was never happy at home around them. They thought it was because of them and started to think it was because of them too.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use laugh as a defense mechanism instead of asking for question when I would not understand something because I fear that the other person think I am dumb.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe my ego mind when it said I was weak, crazy and weird and continue to nourish it by repeating those words out loud on a regular basis to finally live those words as my reality and assume it fully, not really knowing the real sense of it and don't realize the negative impact that it will created. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to assume I wasn't enough intelligent to have a normal conversation with someone I think that was more intelligent than me and avoid completely them to make sure I don't have to feel uncomfortable.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create a funny character within me and go very far in my delusion by truly believing it was me when I was around my friends and that maybe my parents can be responsible for my madness which was pure insanity.

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to ask my parents some help instead of suppressing myself and create multiple scenarios in my mind.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to stayed in my secret mind around people I know and create the "funny girl" character within me and lie to them about how I really feel and create hell in my head all by myself so I can used it as an excuses within me to be unpleasant with my parents when I was home with them.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe I truly understand the fundamental meaning of the word "happy".

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to put all my energy in my character created by the ego mind instead of taking self-responsibility and face my emotions and feelings.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself  to think that I can avoid my anxiety and all my emotions without any consequences.

When and as I see myself laughing to avoid an emotion or play the "funny girl" character, I stop and breathe.

I realize that I was just too lazy to face my emotions because it was way much easier to suppressed myself and be someone else instead of facing it, because my fears and anxiety were more powerful than my willingness to change and to learn, all I wanted is to be popular and I wasn't programmed to be successful with others. I also realize that my dad is using the same character as I did and I can see it clearly now that I use the tools.

I commit myself to always live through self-honesty and give up anything that is not consider as best for all.

I commit myself to redefine the words stupid,weak,funny,happy,character,avoid,believe and ego in my Techno-Tutor and apply forgiveness on them to become really equal and one with every single one of them so I don't have any negative charge when I see those words.

I commit myself to stand up to make people realize that they are all living in their mind and that they are tools available to feel better for real and not just in an energetic way. 

I commit myself to stay constant in my process and increase my vocabulary more and more everyday to become a master communicator.

I commit myself to always use my fears to my advantage and take actions by facing it and learn from the mistakes that can occurs.

I commit myself to be aware of my reactions when I don't feel comfortable and take a deep breathe and face it no matter how uncomfortable I feel.

I commit myself to programmed myself to be successful and millionaire because it is the only way I can help create a world that is best for all and let go all the resistance towards doing it. 

I commit myself to pushed my dad more to find some time to use the Techno-Tutor of my mom and support him in his process. 

I commit myself to never let my emotions leads me and always face them instead of suppressing them.