𝑲𝒂𝒓𝒐𝒍-𝒂𝒏𝒏❜𝒔 𝑱𝒐𝒖𝒓𝒏𝒆𝒚 𝑻𝒐 𝑳𝒊𝒇𝒆

March 2, 2021  This morning at 5h00 AM, I felt a presence in my bedroom. I was asleep and lightly awake so, when I opened my eyes I saw my brother and I freaked out! It took me like 5 second to assimilate that it was him. I reacted with stress and that creates anger, I told him to get the fuck out of my room without asking him what he wanted. He told me he needed my keys because his car refused to start. The rest of the story is not really important, what's matter here is the why I reacted like I did. What triggered me was that memory of when I had a roommate and He was kind of very creepy. He was always awake and on drugs and he was never sleeping so, sometimes I would open my eyes in the morning and he would be there, watching me sleeping. He tried only one time to sleep beside me while I was asleep and I was so pissed off that he never did that again. That was kind of scary and I had an hard time with this guy. He was so high that he was wondering if I was real. I was taking dru...

 March 1, 2021 I had my first distributor call today and I experienced a different kind of stress, it was a good stress, a necessary one. What I mean by that is that I wasn't stock in my mind before it was my turn to talk, I was really present in the moment. I would normally think about what I would said and freak the fuck out and not listen to what other said during the call and let my ego killing me with awful negative thoughts. This time, I was able to listen to others and enjoy the moment. I knew that I wouldn't talk with ease but I was okay with it, I made peace with it. I could feel the stress within me but only in a physical way, I talked really fast and my voice was shaking but I was not feeling bad about it because I was aware that it is something that I will get rid of with practice and time. I will have to do it over and over again to gain some confidence within me to be able to talk with ease in front of a large group, in another language. The difference this time w...

 February 28, 2021 I always had a weird relationship with money. The moment I had some I needed to spent it all, I wasn't able to keep a freaking dollar in my wallet and it started at a very young age. When I've been introduced to money I was buying a bunch of candy and crap like that with it. When I get older my money was all for my addictions possible, alcohol, drugs, casino, cigarettes, classy restaurants, taxi, expensive clothes, new technology etc. At the age of 18 when I moved out from my parent place I felt like the big city was like a Hollywood movie, I went ALL IN in the self-interested and evil game. I saved my money for a long time with a lot of difficulty, my mom had to put it in her account so I don't spend it and when I moved out, I spent it all in 2 weeks. I had no sense of responsibility, no awareness of the consequences of my actions.   Once I spent all my money, and loaded two credit cards I was saying that I didn't needed money to be happy. How stup...

February 26, 2021    I saw this memory from Facebook today where I had take the picture of my bottle of wine 2 years ago and I wrote: "I formalize one of the worst day of my life with a good bottle of high percentage organic wine." It made me think how dramatic I was and how I was constantly feeding my ego mind with complaining. I remembered that day when my boss had yelled at me all day long because I wasn't effective at all, I was making a bunch of mistakes and the more he yelled, the more I got anxious and the more mistakes I made. I never get yelled at by a man authority before him and that scared the shit out of me so I cried my life and avoid him in the toilet. He came to the door and knock with anger and yelled me to get the fuck out or I'll be fired. I felt like he wanted to kill me, but that was just an irrational scenario that my brain created and I wasn't stable with medications so, I can totally imagine how fucked I was that day. I already apply the fo...

 February 25, 2021  I was on the road two days ago and the temperature was pretty bad, the vision was limited but I was seeing that there was a car in front of me plus a big 18 wheels truck in front of the car. I was staying far enough of them just to prevent because the road was excessively slippery as well. And than, out of nowhere the huge truck push on the brakes right after the big curve because there was men who were doing construction and nobody has seen the sign ( if there was one ) and, the car in front of me was about to hit the truck but he just made a 180 degree and he grazed the snow banc. I had to put the brake as well because I was about to hit the truck too but the car wasn't stopping, so I had the choice to hit the truck, the car on the right or the other one who was coming on the left. I was totally aware of my environment, I had the total control of my car and on top of that, I had no emotional reaction toward the situation, I was completely calm and in the ...

February 24, 2021 I was helping a friend of mine today because her boyfriend leave her and she needed support. I know that my support is not like the support her other friends are bringing to her because she told me that. I told her that I will not stand beside her and listen her cry all day and do nothing about it.  It is okay to cry but it is important to not fall into the self- pity and the depression. She know that when she call me , things are moving and actions are taken.  We made a huge clean up, we install the new furniture etc. The place was  a total messy disaster and she was too but, she took actions anyways because, I told her that someone who really want to change and do what it takes to feel better is way more interesting to help than someone who is crying in his bed all day long and complain that life is too hard. I explain her my definition of what real love is and why her relationship as failed, and she said she understood but I know that this is not real...

February 23, 2021       I recently learned that my mom had stopped working when I was born till I turn five years old and then I went to school. I know now that I downloaded basically everything from her during those years.  One thing I remembered clearly is when my mom was smoking cigarettes in secret because I was always telling her that it smell bad and that it was disgusting. She wasn't going outside , she stayed in the house and smoked in the bathroom and she was acting like nobody know what she was doing. I remembered being angry at her because she was lying to me. One day she decided to stop and replace it with cigar and she was smoking only when we had a "occasion". She said that she wasn't inhaling it. When I turned 15  years old I started to smoke the cigar occasionally and I started to smoke the cigarette at the age of 18. Like every good smoker, I was smoking to calm myself down because I was terribly anxious and that was my way of relaxing.  I...