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Day 40 : My Darkest memories are still there

March 2, 2021

 This morning at 5h00 AM, I felt a presence in my bedroom. I was asleep and lightly awake so, when I opened my eyes I saw my brother and I freaked out! It took me like 5 second to assimilate that it was him. I reacted with stress and that creates anger, I told him to get the fuck out of my room without asking him what he wanted. He told me he needed my keys because his car refused to start. The rest of the story is not really important, what's matter here is the why I reacted like I did.

What triggered me was that memory of when I had a roommate and He was kind of very creepy. He was always awake and on drugs and he was never sleeping so, sometimes I would open my eyes in the morning and he would be there, watching me sleeping. He tried only one time to sleep beside me while I was asleep and I was so pissed off that he never did that again. That was kind of scary and I had an hard time with this guy. He was so high that he was wondering if I was real. I was taking drugs too but a lower level in the sense that, I was able to sleep at night. I remembered that He was awakening pure anger within me like I never thought I had inside of me. I wasn't feeling safe around him so I was always using anger and frustration to pushed him away from me. So when I saw my brother in my room looking for my keys I associated that memory instantly. I have suppressed a lot of fuck top stories like this one, I didn't think about it anymore but it confirmed that it is still there within me and so much more.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have a negative emotional reaction when I saw my brother this morning knowing that he is not gonna harm me or do anything to me and I should feel always safe around him.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the feeling of anger.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself a high level of anxiety when I got triggered by a memory of the past.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be triggered by a memory of the past that is not existing anymore and that is there just to keep me enslaved of my old programming.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to associate my brother with my ancient roommate when it is completely irrational because it happened three years ago.

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to be in the present moment in the real physical and act as mind instead.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the trauma within me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to live with a potentially dangerous person who was a drug addict.

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed the respect throughout myself, my body temple and my mental health and chose drugs over it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to put myself in that situation and reflected all this anger within me on my roommate.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to wait so long before realizing I was in danger.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself for suppressing really bad memories and believe that it is not part of me anymore when it is not the case at all and that I will have to face them all.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think that traumatic events are healing without forgiveness.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that I became addicted to this angry energy that was creating within our constant conflict.


When and as I see myself thinking of Ben, my ancient roommate, I stop and breathe.

I realize that the we were both completely possessed by our mind demon and that we were nourishing it on both sides and that was completely insane. We were both depressed and suppressing everything and that created monsters. I also realize that these memories that I have suppressed for so long are holding me back unconsciously from being the best version of myself. 

I commit myself to investigate more about my traumas and apply forgiveness on each one of them.

I commit myself to never suppress my emotions and feelings ever again and always face them.

I commit myself assist myself with breathing.

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