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Day 47 : My fears toward giving birth

March 16, 2021 When I am thinking about giving birth I have all those image within me that are popping up in my head. I have surely this classical image of the woman who is yelling and crying really loudly to express the awful pain that she is going through. I saw that in movies for sure. I know a couple women who said that the pain is terrible but that they forgot immediately when they saw their baby and hold it for the first time. Other women that I asked about their experiences, they told me that they kinda feel nothing because they were too high on medication during the process. It is terrible for you and for the baby as well. I understand that we all have been brain washed with the wrong way of giving birth which is the medical way but that is clear for me that I don't want to use any drugs and that I want to do this the natural way. Also with the knowledge I have about medical industry it just impossible for me to give birth in a hospital. I can see that ending up at the ho
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Day 46 : Pregnancy and natural feminine expression

 March 10, 2021 Let's start this blog with one of the subject of my previous blog, pregnancy. I am not sure of what to think about it because in my environment, there was women who did really loved being pregnant and others hated it. I have listen to both stories and I came to the conclusion that I will know only when I'll get there but on the other hand, I also think that this is something that should be embrace on each second. This is something so incredible. I mean, we women can bring another human on Earth we can carry and give life, it's amazing. I had flashed the word pregnancy and I missed it. Some memory has come up to the surface and I know why I resisted this particular word. It took a lot of time to my mom to leave me alone with the fact she wanted to be a grandmother. At this time of my life I felt forced to have kids, I did not wanted to deceive her and at some point I just told her that it will never happened and she seems so sad but we all made the peace with
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Day 45 : Having kids wasn't an option back then

 March 8, 2021 Since last year a lot of things have changed and one of those thing is my perspective on having kids. For me, it was clear that I would never have children because I was so fucked that it was impossible to just even think about putting another being on this planet. I wasn't able to take care of my own self so, it was obvious that I wouldn't be able to be responsible for the life of someone else. I love kids I always have loved them so much, I always thought that they were fascinating. They are so pure and innocent and they are learning so fast and they are just all incredible. But, I used to think that I would be a good aunt and that's it cause it was too much responsibility for me, my processing ability was so low that waking up in the morning was overwhelming. Now that I have upgraded my capacity to treat the information and that I can process a bunch of things and that I have reached a point of emotional stability that I never thought possible, I completel
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Day 44 : Am I honest when it comes to breathing

  March 7, 2021 I had said in my previous blog that I wasn't honest about the breathing process and it is totally true. I am aware of the powerful benefit that  breathing have and sometimes it is just like I forget it or well, I am avoiding it. I am definitely not using it enough, it must be the first thing that I am doing in the morning - the thing I immediately do when I catch myself being in my mind- when a thoughts comes up, a feeling , a memory from the past that can cause fear or emotional reactions, all of that. I am just not using it enough it is not automated already within me. I have to be in a catastrophic moment in my mind where physical reactions are created to think about breathing. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that human are programs for self-sabotage and that is obvious that it is not automated within me because I am at the beginning of my process and that I am still acting\reacting as mind because that is what I always did
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Day 43 : F*** You Ego !

 March 5, 2021 I am still in this process of analyzing what is going on in my body and the pain is slowly going down on my neck, my shoulder are alright  but my head hurt in different places everyday. Today, I had an old pattern that came up. I thought about this bottle of wine that I received for Christmas that is in my closet, I thought how amazing it would be to drink it and how tasty that this bottle must be. I really had to focus on not open it because for a moment I became completely loss in my thoughts. It was rude and savage there was a war happening in my mind, a complete possession.  I sat down and I had breathing in a deeper level than I have ever did. When I "came back" in the real world I realized that it was only a program that was running and that it was trying to suppressed me and keeping me away from what I am doing right now, doing what is best for all. I wasn't thinking about drinking the last 2 months and I thought it was fucking easy to just stop and
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Day 42 : God and beliefs

 March 4, 2021 I never believed in God. I always felt like there was something bigger than me but not the typical image of God created by the Christians. My perception of God was an energy that exist around us and that is powerful than everything and everyone. I thought that it was more like the universe itself. Actually, it is really similar of how Christians imagine the God they are believing in. I wasn't praying this energy but I was sometimes asking to this energy to help me when I was in trouble or when I really wanted something to happen. How stupid? I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that we all have been programmed to think that we are less than what we can really be so we can stay enslaved in the system without asking any questions.   I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that I have been raised with religious family members and that my perception of God was coming from religion. I forgive myself that I
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Day 41: The pain is real

March 3, 2021 T oday I am feeling empty, drained and completely exhausted. My back hurt and my head feels heavy. My shoulders are blocked and my neck as well. It feels like I have run 10 hours straight. I feel a bit sick cause I am sneezing a lot. I had breathe a lot this morning and went through my day but maybe it wasn't best for the body, I think I should let it heal during at least a day. I am not certain of the root cause of the problem but I will keep analyzing what is happening in my body for the next days. I am quite sure it has a link with me that is moving forward and get out of my comfort zone like I never did before. I remember reading something in the Desteni forum where Bernard said that if you are never sick you are deceptive, cause you never change.  Becoming a distributor is a big move and it implies a lot more responsibilities and I know that I would have to change even more and go against my preprogramming more than ever. I am conscious that this just the beginni
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