Day 47 : My fears toward giving birth

March 16, 2021

When I am thinking about giving birth I have all those image within me that are popping up in my head. I have surely this classical image of the woman who is yelling and crying really loudly to express the awful pain that she is going through. I saw that in movies for sure. I know a couple women who said that the pain is terrible but that they forgot immediately when they saw their baby and hold it for the first time. Other women that I asked about their experiences, they told me that they kinda feel nothing because they were too high on medication during the process. It is terrible for you and for the baby as well. I understand that we all have been brain washed with the wrong way of giving birth which is the medical way but that is clear for me that I don't want to use any drugs and that I want to do this the natural way. Also with the knowledge I have about medical industry it just impossible for me to give birth in a hospital. I can see that ending up at the hospital is creating anxiety within me because complications can happen. I know that this is the fear of the unknown plus my old program of always imagining the worst case scenarios all the time that generates those fears. The good news is that I have the tools to support me and brain washed me the right way.

To be 100% honest, I do fear the pain. I am not in a perfect symbiosis to know that my vagina will tear and that a human will get out of there. I mean, it is totally natural and fascinating but I admit that it is also fucking scary. That should not be scary, I am aware that this is unconscious.

I think that I have some trauma with the blood but I don't know where it comes from. I just know that I wasn't able to watch violence or horror movie where blood was involve, I was feeling very uncomfortable and I was closing my eyes. The point I wanted to make is that I know this is going to be really bloody and that is make me feel a bit uncomfortable. Not too much but just enough to interfere with having a peaceful birth time. I did watched natural birth videos and I felt my heart beating faster and I felt my stomach tighten as well. I reacted very smoother than I would normally do so I know that it is because I have changed a lot internally.

I am aware that I have accepted and allowed those fears within me and that if I make peace with it, everything is gonna be alright and it is gonna be a wonderful experience.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that the fears I have towards giving birth are the result of the programing made by the media that I have seen during my life time in TV shows, movies and also books to make sure I give birth in a hospital with the medication and also to make sure the baby receive some drugs as well at birth which is really bad for the baby development.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that giving birth is just about pain and destroying my physical body when it is in fact something I should embrace and be proud of.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to try to form an opinion with other experiences when I know opinions are not good and that common sense and discernment is.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear ending up at the hospital which is a rare case in natural home birth and that even if that happen that would not be the end of the world.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to generate anxiety within me by thinking about something that could possibly happen in the future and not be focus on the present moment.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to keep thinking about the worst case scenario as a way to protect a possible deception.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself for having an emotional reaction towards medications.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have this irrational fear of giving birth because of the pain that it can occurs when in fact if the fears are not part of me anymore the pain will be way much acceptable and the experience will be amazing.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear blood when blood is in fact just body fluid in humans and other animals that delivers necessary substances such as nutrients and oxygen to the cells and transports metabolic waste products away from those same cells. I will not getting murdered there I will give life and that is totally normal that blood is going to be involve in this process.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to underestimate my physical body and it's capacity.

 

When and as I see myself thinking about the fears I have toward giving birth, I stop and breathe.

 

I realize that those fears are coming from my preprogrammed design and that  I have in fact nothing to worry about because everything is there to help me go through those irrational fears and educate myself enough about the subject to be in peace with it.

 

I commit myself to continue my education on the giving birth process and the pregnancy. 

 

I commit myself to redefine every single words about the subject.

 

I commit myself to let go of all those fears and become equal and one with it.  

I commit myself to educate myself on how the body works in all is function.