Skip to main content

Day 45 : Having kids wasn't an option back then

 March 8, 2021


Since last year a lot of things have changed and one of those thing is my perspective on having kids. For me, it was clear that I would never have children because I was so fucked that it was impossible to just even think about putting another being on this planet. I wasn't able to take care of my own self so, it was obvious that I wouldn't be able to be responsible for the life of someone else. I love kids I always have loved them so much, I always thought that they were fascinating. They are so pure and innocent and they are learning so fast and they are just all incredible. But, I used to think that I would be a good aunt and that's it cause it was too much responsibility for me, my processing ability was so low that waking up in the morning was overwhelming.

Now that I have upgraded my capacity to treat the information and that I can process a bunch of things and that I have reached a point of emotional stability that I never thought possible, I completely changed my mind. There is so much support in this community, Desteni and Techno-Tutor and it makes me realize how incredible this experience will be. I want to raise effective little beings who will be part of the second wave. I watched a podcast today and I found out that I will have to reprogram a bunch of things about the pregnancy and the natural birth but, I am ready to do whatever it takes to make sure I do things the right way. Giving birth for me was something really scary because of all I have been brain washed with and again, I realize that my entire life was a scam so it's obvious that I have accepted and allowed that kind of fear within me. There is a lot of forgiveness that I will do in another blog about my fear toward the pregnancy and the giving birth part.
 

I am not in a relationship yet so right now my focus is to bring Techno-Tutor to the most children I can because they are also the future and they all need to be saved from the current system that we are all in. The more effective children we have now the bigger and better the second wave will be. My intentions are clear and I will fight for this awful abuse everyday of my life, breath by breath so the international abuse can be ended in the future. I used to believe that I was too small to make a difference but that was just an excuses to not take the full responsibility and stand up for life. It was also a major lack of education but now that I have it, there is nothing to stop me from doing this. I commit myself to stand up for all the children in this world till the day I die and also to show the way of a world that is best for all to my future children. If I never get into a relationship it is okay too but I really do want it to happen but I know that it's up to me. The best of both world would be to have an effective family who will support a lot of other people by being the living example of people who have walked this process. I also used to think that I was just not good with relationships but, I was wrong. I will keep that part for another blog as well.

I  am just amazed about the fact everything I was back then have no link at all with what I really am as physical. And there is so much more that I don't know yet and that I am learning every day about myself and about the world and actually about everything. I am realizing now that life is a precious gift and I want to honor that the right way by doing everything I can in order to change this shitty system.



Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

Day 13 : Me as a kid fearing the dark

January 2, 2021   When I was a kid, I was scared of the dark. I needed my lamp at night and there was no way that I could quit the basement peacefully when I was closing the light to go upstairs, I was running the fastest I can and make sure to never look back in case that something or someone was following me. I was always feeling observed at night, like there was some presence in the same room as me.   Darkness was making me vulnerable and stressed out because I wasn't seeing what was happening around me and did not know if I could get hurt or if someone dangerous as enter the house to scared me etc. In resume , my fear of the unknown creates this pattern within me where I imagined all the worst cases scenarios possible that can happened to me every time I was not in control of what I was seeing around me. Obviously when I grown up I stayed with my fear of the unknown because the same program was running in my head since a very young age and I duplicate the exact same patter...
1 comment
Read more

Day 12 : Eating disorder/Anorexia

January 1st, 2021  I talked about my self-image problem in a previous blog that I wrote and I wanted to come back on the point of the anorexia. I used to be the kind of anorexic who was avoiding food like the pests. I wasn't just counting the calories, I was just not eating at all during several days. Sometimes I was forced to eat when I could not find a way out and that I had no more inspiration for a new lie to tell my parents. There was some lies I was telling like,  I need to stay longer after school to finish an homework with others or I want to go out with friends, I could not used this one too much because my parents wanted me home after school and not with friends so I won't do stupid things if I am home with them, which I did obviously. I started amphetamine at this stage of my life, so I became more creative with the lies I was telling them to avoid eating. That was the dreamy drug for me because it suppressed my entire appetite so that was the number one reason why ...
Post a Comment
Read more

Day 17 : Fear of bees

January 7, 2021 Last summer, I was making a BBQ outside on the balcony and there was a lot of bees around so I looked for the source to see if it was close to me and I remarked a little honeycomb very close to the door. My first reaction was fear because it triggered a really bad memory within me. I wanted it to be burned immediately because that's what my father used to do when there was one to close to the house. When I was a 9 years old, I was playing in the schoolyard with my friends and I had this brilliant idea to go on the other side of the fence, I was feeling adventurous. My two friends went first and they passed in the little forest with ease without anything happening. When it was my turn to jump the fence, I did it successfully but I got stuck in something. I thought it was one of those plants that have some spikes on it so I didn't want to moved in case I make the situation worst. It started to become really painful all over my body so I started to freaked out and...
Post a Comment
Read more