Day 46 : Pregnancy and natural feminine expression

 March 10, 2021

Let's start this blog with one of the subject of my previous blog, pregnancy. I am not sure of what to think about it because in my environment, there was women who did really loved being pregnant and others hated it. I have listen to both stories and I came to the conclusion that I will know only when I'll get there but on the other hand, I also think that this is something that should be embrace on each second. This is something so incredible. I mean, we women can bring another human on Earth we can carry and give life, it's amazing. I had flashed the word pregnancy and I missed it. Some memory has come up to the surface and I know why I resisted this particular word.

It took a lot of time to my mom to leave me alone with the fact she wanted to be a grandmother. At this time of my life I felt forced to have kids, I did not wanted to deceive her and at some point I just told her that it will never happened and she seems so sad but we all made the peace with it and now here I am changing my mind completely. My friends and family were always saying that I would be a good mom because I was caring others in a very "mom way". In the sense that I was naturally nurturing everybody around me of course, I took my mom programming. I had repulse that a lot, I was feeling attack when someone was telling me this because I did not wanted kids. I was blaming them for forcing me. which they did not obviously, I just wanted to stay in my secret mind with what this really meant. Because that is a great compliment in my perspective now but , at that time it was just me going against my natural expression. I knew I had that within me and I didn't wanted to admit it because that would have meant to admit that I can be responsible, I can take care of my own life, I can take care of myself by nurturing my own body instead of embracing my self-sabotage addiction and also that was meaning to put an end to my self-interested. How fucking selfish and abusive this was!

There is also those particular fears that comes with the pregnancy when I flashed the word. I am not talking about giving birth for now but really just the fears that I have toward being pregnant. The first one I have is my hormones,  women hormones can be really scary and I am saying that because my mom was scaring me sometimes when she was about to have her period or when her menopause started, I thought she wanted to literally kill me lol. I was pretty moody myself but now that I am more stable this is not happening anymore but I still have this fear of mood swings that can turn the bitch switch easily and creates friction. It is not rational right, I know that but I cannot underestimate women hormones.

Another fear that I have is in link of gaining a bunch of weight and not be able to lose it. That will happened if I don't develop self-control towards food when I get pregnant. I see all these women around me being over active during pregnancy and I am thinking about how lazy I will be. This is a shitty attitude but that is really what I am thinking. At least, I have the tool to support me to raise my ass and apply self control. Healthy mommy = healthy baby.

I am also scared of losing the baby during the pregnancy because I have been really hard on my body during many years but I believe that it is healing faster than I think. A good example of that is that I had broken ribs when I arrived in my home town last year and it disappeared after a month, without any medications I in fact stopped them all and I healed super fast so I need to put more trust in my body temple because that is the only thing that is real and that is also my body that will carry this little being during 9 months. I gotta make sure that I neutralize this negative emotional charge because it happened all the time and I know that it happened to some family member as well.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to suppressed my natural expression of femininity for so long.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to based my perception of pregnancy on others experiences when these women were not a modal of stability to look at and that I should in fact make my own research to make sure everything goes the right way when the day will come.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself not realize that giving life is the most beautiful thing in the world.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to associate memories with the word pregnancy and attached fears and emotional reaction through it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to avoid telling the truth to my mom about having kid just to not hurt her feeling when in fact this decision is none of her business.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel attacked when my friend or family were telling me that I would be a good mom  cause every time someone was telling me this my ego mind demon was upset and was fearing that I leave it for living a sane life out of the self-interest and addictions.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to repulse one of a good side of my mom that I have within me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize how abusive and selfish I was by wanting to avoid everyone and everything to make sure I have not an ounce of responsibility.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be dishonest with myself.

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to not embrace being a woman.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have develops irrational fears towards pregnancy like the fear of hormones when in fact being hormonal is just totally natural and normal and that if I feel moody I can just immediately support myself with breathe, forgiveness and Techno-Tutor.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I could not develop self-control toward food.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use hormones as a future excuses to eat all day when I get pregnant.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think I will not be able to lose the weight I will gain when I just have to make sure to move a bit everyday and eat healthy.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to already compare myself with those moms who are drastically in shape during  their pregnancy.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge the capacity of my body temple.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be rough and not take good care of my body temple in the past.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself  to not realize that my body temple is the only thing that is real and the the mind is not.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the fear of losing a baby that I did not actually have in reality and making projection about the fact it can happen.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself the negative emotional charge toward losing a baby when it happened all the time and that if it happened it is not going to be because I am a bad mom.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think that if I lose a baby I am a bad mom because I did not take care enough of myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the judgment toward myself.

I realize that it was just not making any sense to me  to get pregnant before because I was just suppressing my natural expression of being a woman and that deep down inside me I would have prefer to be a man because in my head, their life was way much easier but that absolutely not true, each genre is different and need each other but there is not one that is more easy than another. Both sides, male and female should be equal and embrace for their natural expression.  I also realize that I want to have kids now because it makes sense to me to creates effective being that are gonna be raise specifically to make sure there are no trauma that are created within them so they will have no difficulty to stand up for what is best  for all because it will be part of them already.

I commit myself to make all the necessary research toward pregnancy and educate myself on all the vocabulary toward it.

I commit myself to embrace my feminine expression everyday and become equal and one with it.

I commit myself to integrate the vocabulary of pregnancy in my TT and see if other things comes up.

I commit myself to become equal and one with pregnancy.

I commit myself to be prepared for that when the day will come.