Day 22 : Why do I hate priest

 January 20, 2021

At the age of 7 years old, I had a course where we were sitting in circle and talked about Jesus during hours and at the age of 8, our parents had the choice to put us in a course called moral instead of Jesus course. I was begged my parents to go in this new class because I didn't give a damn about Jesus. They refused because both of them have been raised with a Christian mom and that was the way they were programed. They were not fanatic of it but we still went to church for special event like when someone get married or when a new baby was born to get his baptism. 

My two brothers and I also had to do this Jesus course at church. There was three different steps and these course were on a period of three years. I made the first and the second course but I begged my parents to end it there because it was ridiculous for me to do that, we weren't that much people at school doing that and I was ashamed. I didn't had to make the third course, I was so grateful that I didn't had to do it. At the second course, something really weird happened with the priest, I wasn't trusting this weird old man in advance, I was feeling like something was wrong with this man. There was a moment at the end of the course where we had to all go to church and someone were naming our names turn by turn so we can go in front of the church and the priest was giving us a communion wafer.

I don't remember how old I was exactly but I know that I was very young and when my turn came to get my wafer, I did not said Amen before I tried to take the communion wafer and the priest was so pissed off that he stepped back and started yelling at me and told me I wasn't polite and patient and that it was a terrible behavior and that I did not deserve the fucking wafer. I felt sad and I was so embarrassed that he yelled at me in front of everybody like this and I wasn't understanding what the heck was wrong with this old man to yelled at children like that, it wasn't right at all for me because I thought that priest were supposed to be always nice like Jesus was. I was also mad at my parents because they didn't do anything, I wanted them to yelled back at this stranger who scared me and make me feel stupid in front of all these people. I wanted my revenge because I felt humiliated. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to don't give a fuck about Jesus.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think that the Jesus course was ridiculous.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel shame about the fact I was doing my communion and others Jesus course after school.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to envy the other students that were in the moral class. 

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed the message of Jesus.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge the priest. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be scared of this old man based on my judgment towards him.

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to not see that I was responsible for the madness of the priest by taking the wafer before saying Amen.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to assume that everybody who is into the teach of Jesus is a nice person.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel sad in front of the abusive behavior of the priest and believe him when he said I didn't deserve the wafer.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself  to feel ashamed when the priest yelled at me in front of everybody.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be mad at my parents because they didn't do anything about the situation.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want my parent to yelled back at the priest to defend me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience the desire of revenge towards the priest. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to let the ego mind tell me that it was a huge drama situation and that I should feel humiliated by my behavior.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to get really anxious about what others was thinking about me when the priest yelled at me.  

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that Jesus was a pure person. 

When and as I see myself having a negative emotional reaction towards priest, I stop and breathe. 

I realize that religion is used as a manipulation and that in fact, most of people that are into it are not nice at all and they are highly active in the abuse in this world. Religion is just another way to brain wash people and make sure they don't take any self-responsibility and stay in their beliefs that Jesus has already take care of all their bullshit and that they don't have to do anything about the abuse in this world. It is also another way to make a bunch of money on their back. I also realize that me wanting the revenge on the priest was making me participating in the abuse as well. Another point that I realize is that I was feeling sad when the priest yelled at me because my father had never yelled at me this way and this was a chock for me that a man authority does this.

I commit myself to make the religious people I know realize that nobody is going to do things for them and that they have to take 100% responsibility of their life.

I commit myself to show the abuse that exist into religion.

I commit myself to live the messages of Jesus properly which is Give as you like to receive and love your neighbor as yourself.  

I commit myself to show people that beliefs leads nowhere.

I commit myself to  neutralize every negative emotional reaction I have towards the word priest. 

I commit myself to become equal and one with Jesus.

I commit myself to show the world that the only savior that exist is your own self.