Skip to main content

Day 17 : Fear of bees

January 7, 2021

Last summer, I was making a BBQ outside on the balcony and there was a lot of bees around so I looked for the source to see if it was close to me and I remarked a little honeycomb very close to the door. My first reaction was fear because it triggered a really bad memory within me. I wanted it to be burned immediately because that's what my father used to do when there was one to close to the house.

When I was a 9 years old, I was playing in the schoolyard with my friends and I had this brilliant idea to go on the other side of the fence, I was feeling adventurous. My two friends went first and they passed in the little forest with ease without anything happening. When it was my turn to jump the fence, I did it successfully but I got stuck in something. I thought it was one of those plants that have some spikes on it so I didn't want to moved in case I make the situation worst. It started to become really painful all over my body so I started to freaked out and yelled and cried . I don't know why the hell I was keeping my eyes closed but when I decided to open them, I saw all these bees around me and I panicked more and started to run like I never had run before. I had stings from head to toe and I couldn't stop crying like a baby. My friends went to the little gas station and asked for a phone so I can call my parents. I tried to explain the situation but all they heard was me, crying like I was about to die so my friend had talked for me. 5 minutes later they were there and took me home. There were dead bees falling through my shirt and my entire body was on fire but nothing too alarming for my parents. I was traumatized and didn't want to play outside for a while. I developed fears toward bees and towards walking on lands that are not cleared.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to burn the honeycomb because bees are life and they are a major part of our ecosystem.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to get triggered by a memory of the past and experience fear when I saw the honeycomb.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to live through my father's programing.

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to breathe in and out instead of freaking out when I remarked the bees all around me in the forest.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to associate bees with danger and not life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear walking in the forest that are not cleared just because of this memory of the past.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to develop fears through this traumatic event of the past.

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to live in the present moment and accept bees as equal to me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think I was about to die because the pain was too high.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to let the panic take the control over me. 
 
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to private myself from the outside because of my trauma. 

When and as I see myself being sting by a bee, I stop and breathe.

I realize that it is completely irrational to be scared of bees just because that event happened once and that the chance it happened again are very small and also that I am the one in their habitat so I should never think about burning them but learned to live in harmony with them instead. I also realized that the fact I closed my eyes when that happened was because the pain was too high and my body decided to shut down. I know now that if I mind my own business they are not gonna hurt me.

I commit myself to become equal and one with bees and all the nature because nature is life and we are all one.

I commit myself to get over my fear and go walk in a forest with no cleared trail next summer.

I commit myself to always breathe before panicking, pain involved or not.

I commit myself to put the words bees, danger, forest and panic in my Techno Tutor and neutralize the negative charges I have towards it.

I commit myself to always be aware of my environment in the physical world and never let my physical body shut down when pain is involved.


Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

Day 3 : Friendship or Bullshit ?

  December 17, 2020 My definition of friendship / relationship has changed a lot since I started my process. I've come to realize that the major part of my life, all the relationships I had allowed was only pure bullshit. Everything was based on self-interest and nothing else. I noticed that the better I felt, the smaller my circle was. At the beginning I was kind of disappointed and I was questioning myself a lot. I wasn't sure that It was the right thing to do but, at this moment I wasn't able to process the information like the way I do now. I was not really aware of the power of the ego within me, it took me a while to accept the fact that my entire life was a pure lie and that I was living it by playing a character who wasn't the real me in the physical world.  Now that I have accepted it and work on myself everyday by walking my process, all of the people I used to know as friends have almost completely disappeared from my life to let place for new people all a...
2 comments
Read more

Day 16 : My experience with hypnosis

January 6, 2021 When I was 14 or 15 years old, I remember that my mom bought  us ticket for a show, it was a hypnosis show with a man called Messmer, he is very popular here in Canada and also in France. At the first part of the show he tried something with all the public to see who is a good potential person to be on stage and it did not worked on me. I was looking at those on stage who were hypnotized and I thought it was impossible to agree to do such stupid things in front of a huge public like this and that it must be a show that is prepared in advance with those person who agreed to go on the stage before the show and acted like it worked. At the second part of the show he tried another thing, we had to put our hands together with our two index up only, separate from one another. We had to closed our eyes and he said a thing like " okay now, you feel your two index come closer and closer and more closer... after that he said " okay now, those who have their fingers stuc...
1 comment
Read more

Day 11 : My first party sober experience

December 31, 2020 Last night was my last Christmas party and it was the first time I had a family party sober and it was the first time I was the one who drives the other member home. At the beginning of the night, it was very challenging to look at everybody have their drink in their hand, I had this  thought that comes up  - Why have you decided to do this before your last party ?  So, I went to the bathroom and took three deep breathe and tell my ego to shut the fuck up. When I get back, I was already feeling better about myself.  Later in the evening, when the others started to feel the effect of the alcohol, I've started to analyses their comportment and what they were saying. I was blow minded to see the honesty and the pattern of everyone while their drunk. I learn so much from the past of everyone and it helps me understand a lot of things about where I truly comes from. Their demons were telling everything to me, like they felt the need to reveal me their se...
1 comment
Read more