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Day 17 : Fear of bees

January 7, 2021

Last summer, I was making a BBQ outside on the balcony and there was a lot of bees around so I looked for the source to see if it was close to me and I remarked a little honeycomb very close to the door. My first reaction was fear because it triggered a really bad memory within me. I wanted it to be burned immediately because that's what my father used to do when there was one to close to the house.

When I was a 9 years old, I was playing in the schoolyard with my friends and I had this brilliant idea to go on the other side of the fence, I was feeling adventurous. My two friends went first and they passed in the little forest with ease without anything happening. When it was my turn to jump the fence, I did it successfully but I got stuck in something. I thought it was one of those plants that have some spikes on it so I didn't want to moved in case I make the situation worst. It started to become really painful all over my body so I started to freaked out and yelled and cried . I don't know why the hell I was keeping my eyes closed but when I decided to open them, I saw all these bees around me and I panicked more and started to run like I never had run before. I had stings from head to toe and I couldn't stop crying like a baby. My friends went to the little gas station and asked for a phone so I can call my parents. I tried to explain the situation but all they heard was me, crying like I was about to die so my friend had talked for me. 5 minutes later they were there and took me home. There were dead bees falling through my shirt and my entire body was on fire but nothing too alarming for my parents. I was traumatized and didn't want to play outside for a while. I developed fears toward bees and towards walking on lands that are not cleared.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to burn the honeycomb because bees are life and they are a major part of our ecosystem.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to get triggered by a memory of the past and experience fear when I saw the honeycomb.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to live through my father's programing.

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to breathe in and out instead of freaking out when I remarked the bees all around me in the forest.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to associate bees with danger and not life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear walking in the forest that are not cleared just because of this memory of the past.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to develop fears through this traumatic event of the past.

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to live in the present moment and accept bees as equal to me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think I was about to die because the pain was too high.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to let the panic take the control over me. 
 
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to private myself from the outside because of my trauma. 

When and as I see myself being sting by a bee, I stop and breathe.

I realize that it is completely irrational to be scared of bees just because that event happened once and that the chance it happened again are very small and also that I am the one in their habitat so I should never think about burning them but learned to live in harmony with them instead. I also realized that the fact I closed my eyes when that happened was because the pain was too high and my body decided to shut down. I know now that if I mind my own business they are not gonna hurt me.

I commit myself to become equal and one with bees and all the nature because nature is life and we are all one.

I commit myself to get over my fear and go walk in a forest with no cleared trail next summer.

I commit myself to always breathe before panicking, pain involved or not.

I commit myself to put the words bees, danger, forest and panic in my Techno Tutor and neutralize the negative charges I have towards it.

I commit myself to always be aware of my environment in the physical world and never let my physical body shut down when pain is involved.


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