Day 12 : Eating disorder/Anorexia

January 1st, 2021

 I talked about my self-image problem in a previous blog that I wrote and I wanted to come back on the point of the anorexia. I used to be the kind of anorexic who was avoiding food like the pests. I wasn't just counting the calories, I was just not eating at all during several days. Sometimes I was forced to eat when I could not find a way out and that I had no more inspiration for a new lie to tell my parents. There was some lies I was telling like,  I need to stay longer after school to finish an homework with others or I want to go out with friends, I could not used this one too much because my parents wanted me home after school and not with friends so I won't do stupid things if I am home with them, which I did obviously.

I started amphetamine at this stage of my life, so I became more creative with the lies I was telling them to avoid eating. That was the dreamy drug for me because it suppressed my entire appetite so that was the number one reason why I started this crap, to lose all the fat on my body and looks like the women I was seeing on my programs , movie, magazine even at school I felt I was a fat person. I was far away from being fat , I was average before I started doing drugs and I became so tiny that it was disgusting but, I wasn't aware it was that ugly. In my head I was finally like those women on TV that I have been brain washed with. I didn't even remarks how tired and broken I looked, I was withe as snow and had those huge dark circles around my eyes. I looked like a freaking dead person, I can totally picture this in my mind right now and that is truly scary. I had in mind that I could not have this healthy energy and the skinny body it was one or another and I had  also in mind that if grandma said multiple time I was fat  during my hole life it must be because it is true so the choice wasn't difficult at all.When I think of it I still feel anger within me, anger towards the medias because I am aware of how evil they are now and I know that everybody is brain washed because of them and that cause a bunch of suffering in this world.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to avoid food which is a basic need that some people don't have the chance to have access to just because I was programmed to hate my body.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to private myself for my basic needs because I listened to my ego mind who was repeating me on a daily basis that I was fat and that I should stay away from food.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have lies several times to my parents to avoid eating and not realize that lying comes with consequences.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go further in my delusion of wanting to be skinny as  the women I see on TV and start doing drugs to help myself reaching my goal of being like them and not realize that medias exist to brain washed the human race to sold them on anything they want like be exactly the same as your favorite star on TV and make you believe that this can be your reality too.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use drugs like amphetamine to suppressed my appetite.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be disgusted by my own body. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe I could not be healthy, energize and skinny at the same time and not realize it was only a way to avoid my addiction.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe everything I saw on television and create a character within me who was similar to those I brain washed myself with.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see that all these body that I saw everywhere in the media was in fact the pure product of the sex industry because, money and sex are dominating the world where we are living it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become this liar character to continue nourishing the mind demon that was telling me to avoid food. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not listen to my body temple when it felt tired and destroyed by the drugs and keep doing what the little voice in my head was telling me to do.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe I was fat just because one person as told me that and also because I created my own desires of what I want to look like so people can be attracted to me when it was in fact completely repulsive.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel anger as an emotional reaction towards the medias when I was in fact mad at myself to have listen to their bullshit.

When and as I see myself thinking about my food disorder, I stop and breathe.

 I realize that the usage of drugs was also a respond to my laziness for a real effective solution like doing sports to lose the weight I thought I had in surplus because when I touched this drugs the first time it wasn't just a thing to suppressed my appetite but also a magic pills that suppressed my shyness. I also realize that the brain washing is starting at such a young age and programmed people to failed in every sphere of their life and that when we are going into the school system they make sure that this brain washing is continuing to work and in that way, those who are able to be successful in the school system, are becoming our future doctor or psychologist, or scientist etc. 

I commit myself to dedicate myself to help through the creation of an equal money system where everyone have their basics needs met and where everyone is equal and one with each other and with everything.

I commit myself to stand up in front of the abuses in this world that children are exposed to.

I commit myself to keep a good relationship with food and if a point comes up, work through it one breath at the time with self-forgiveness.

I commit myself to reprogram myself with both polarities in Techno-Tutor to make sure I am balanced and that I don't have any emotional charges towards it.

I commit myself to always listen to my body when it talks to me in form of pain or when its tired.

I commit myself to get the more kid I can out of the school system and introduce their parents to Techno-Tutor so they can all be effective human being out of the actual system where everybody is a slave to serve those who are in power.

I commit myself to stretch everyday and also do a work out session  minimum 5 days a week to keep my health optimal and be more focus on my purpose.