Skip to main content

Day 13 : Me as a kid fearing the dark

January 2, 2021

 
When I was a kid, I was scared of the dark. I needed my lamp at night and there was no way that I could quit the basement peacefully when I was closing the light to go upstairs, I was running the fastest I can and make sure to never look back in case that something or someone was following me. I was always feeling observed at night, like there was some presence in the same room as me.  

Darkness was making me vulnerable and stressed out because I wasn't seeing what was happening around me and did not know if I could get hurt or if someone dangerous as enter the house to scared me etc. In resume , my fear of the unknown creates this pattern within me where I imagined all the worst cases scenarios possible that can happened to me every time I was not in control of what I was seeing around me. Obviously when I grown up I stayed with my fear of the unknown because the same program was running in my head since a very young age and I duplicate the exact same pattern which was me, creating the worst case scenario in every situation I faced and getting the maximum percentage of anxiety I can get and always end up depressed, sad, angry or ashamed of myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to focus on the lack of control of my environment and creates multiples awful scenario in my mind that kept me in fight or flight every time I was in the dark and believe it so hard that I creates the need to run away from something that existed just in my delusional mind.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to don't understand that my fear of the dark was in fact the fear of the unknown.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself experience anxiety that I creates all by myself.

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to realize that I was programed to fear the dark and that there was nothing I can do with it till now cause I have the tools to reprogram and forgive myself. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to let my lack of self-esteem believed my mind when it says that dark = danger absolute.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create a negative emotional charge toward the words dark and darkness.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to stayed in my bullshit when I grown up and accept it as my reality and do nothing about it but nourishing my anxiety disorder.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the negative emotions like sad, angry and ashamed within me and accepted this state of mind as me in the physical world, in my physical body.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel vulnerable in the dark.

When and as I see myself fearing the unknown, I stop and breathe.

 I realize that this fear is into every single human being and this is exactly what is holding us back from doing what we are really supposed to do and this is exactly why there is so much abuses in this world. I also realize that the fear of the unknown is in fact a pure gift of life and that it must be use to motivate people 

I commit myself to always use my fears as a motivation to be the best creator I can be.

I commit myself to focus on what is best and never on the lack.

I commit myself to never let a fear holding me back from doing what is best.

I commit myself to walk through every fear I have within me and create something amazing with it.

I commit myself to become equal and one with the word fear and vulnerable.


I commit myself to assist myself with a deep breath when a fear comes up and take action on it, whatever it is and no matter how I feel about it because feeling is meaning of weakness.


 

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

Day 3 : Friendship or Bullshit ?

  December 17, 2020 My definition of friendship / relationship has changed a lot since I started my process. I've come to realize that the major part of my life, all the relationships I had allowed was only pure bullshit. Everything was based on self-interest and nothing else. I noticed that the better I felt, the smaller my circle was. At the beginning I was kind of disappointed and I was questioning myself a lot. I wasn't sure that It was the right thing to do but, at this moment I wasn't able to process the information like the way I do now. I was not really aware of the power of the ego within me, it took me a while to accept the fact that my entire life was a pure lie and that I was living it by playing a character who wasn't the real me in the physical world.  Now that I have accepted it and work on myself everyday by walking my process, all of the people I used to know as friends have almost completely disappeared from my life to let place for new people all a

Day 16 : My experience with hypnosis

January 6, 2021 When I was 14 or 15 years old, I remember that my mom bought  us ticket for a show, it was a hypnosis show with a man called Messmer, he is very popular here in Canada and also in France. At the first part of the show he tried something with all the public to see who is a good potential person to be on stage and it did not worked on me. I was looking at those on stage who were hypnotized and I thought it was impossible to agree to do such stupid things in front of a huge public like this and that it must be a show that is prepared in advance with those person who agreed to go on the stage before the show and acted like it worked. At the second part of the show he tried another thing, we had to put our hands together with our two index up only, separate from one another. We had to closed our eyes and he said a thing like " okay now, you feel your two index come closer and closer and more closer... after that he said " okay now, those who have their fingers stuc

Day 7 : Life of a party

December 22, 2020 Sometimes I wonder why I am the only one in the family of three children who turns out to be the most fucked up. I was the one who end up with every addiction possible ,  I was the only one who moved out of town and lived the life of a party animal, avoiding every single responsibility I could. I end up pretty bad and if my brother wouldn't have introduce me to Techno Tutor and Dip, I would have been dead right now.  I used to take so much drugs and alcohol on a regular basis and spending every single dollars I had on my addictions when I was " stable " enough to fit in the system and had a job to pay for it. When I did not had a job because I would lose it, I would always find a way out to get what I wanted. If that implied to stayed in a fucked up place with fucked up people during several days I was doing it without any hesitation. I was getting high all day and all night long hoping that nothing too bad  would happened to me. I fed my demons during s