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Day 26 : My highest fear

January 29, 2021

 

I was doing my Techno Tutor today and  the word snakeskin has flashed, I missed it four time in a row. I knew that it was because of the word snake because I have a negative memory associate with it. It's been a long time that I want to make my self-forgiveness about this specific fear but I didn't wanted to take the responsibility to neutralize the charge. I am resisting this moment since I started my process, this fear is so powerful within me that the ego mind has convince me that it was impossible to get rid of it. 

When I was young my mom was always talking about her fear of snakes, she said it was disgusting and dangerous and that it could bite me and that I should be careful around those creature. She literally transmitted me her fear of snake. I can remember the power of the fear within her, I felt it inside of me and become really scared myself. 

One day we went to the chalet and I was playing alone behind it and I saw this little thing through the round wooden logs of the chalet,  I thought that it was a rope.  I was six or seven years old and I was pretty curious about everything so I decided to pull on the rope and it wasn't a rope at all, it was a snake and he wasn't happy about it so he tried to bite me. I went to my father and cry during hours because I was too scared and I didn't wanted to play outside for the rest of the weekend. After that happened, I was hating going to the chalet, I always needed my dad to reassured me and make sure there was no snake around.

 I can see the scene in my head that is haunting me every fucking time I am seeing one. Last summer I went to bring the cat inside and I saw one, I freaked out and I stopped going outside for three weeks so I can diminished  the power of the fear for a while. How stupid ?  And How stupid I was to not wanting getting rid of this fear ?

 I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to avoid my responsibility of forgiving myself for my fear of snakes.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to resist the writing about this specific fear and still do during the actual moment.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe the ego mind that was telling me that this fear cannot be removed from me when this is in fact not real as all the fears that exist. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to wait for so long before doing the forgiveness.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to live through the programing of my mother and keep her fear alive within me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that the snakes here in Quebec are not dangerous at all and that they cannot hurt me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that I was the one who disturbed the snake when I pull on his tail. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to let my fear of snake control me for so long.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to let my ego private me to go outside and live the present moment.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think I am stupid.

when and as I see myself thinking of snakes, I stop and breathe.

I realize that I was in my natural learning ability when my mom talk openly about her fear and also when the event with the snake happened. I also realize that a snake and all animal don't have the ability to think and that is not rational at all to believe they want to hurt me specifically. Also, I have already committed myself to become equal and one with every words related to nature and I realize that I have excluded the word snake.

I commit myself always remind myself that fears are not real and that I should close my eyes, cancel the thoughts that comes up and breathe deeply if I see a snake.

I commit myself to become equal and one with snakes because they are part of the nature like all others animals, we are all one including the snakes.

I commit myself to breath by breath let go of this limitation within me towards snake.

I commit myself to redefine the word snake and neutralize all the emotions that comes up with it.

I commit myself to help my mom to go through her fear of snake.

 

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