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Day 20 : Prisoner of the programing of my father

 January 13, 2021


On the last Christmas party I had, like I said I was the only one sober when my brother quit the place and everybody was telling me stories about their past. One of it was told by my father, he was telling me that when he was young, life was so hard at home that it wanted to quit the fastest he could so he can go to college and be free from his parents so he works his ass off for a while to get enough money to get out of there. He finally did get out and start the college and end up spending all his money in beer and drugs. It is funny because it is the exact same story as me, I am the result of his programing. Just like him I am the last baby of the family, I worked my ass off to get out of my parent's place and I started college to end up like a fucked up person who is spending every single dollar on alcohol, drugs, casino and cigarettes. 

The difference between him and I is that he did finished his college and I didn't . He found my mom during these years so it kind of save his life from being the fucked up person I used to be. Since forever my dad is hiding me everything from his past, he was acting like he was the perfection in person so I won't become the same as him, but it was inevitable. I was surprised at first but not that much because I understand now how it works. I always knew that he was lying about the person he was but I didn't know that we had the exact same story, it is quite fascinating for me to realize now that he was lying to protect me when it actually did the exact opposite of what he was expecting. Even if I had doubts on that, I was a bit mad at him because I had always thought that I was so different from all my family member and I felt bad about myself for a long time because of this and it is one of the reason why I was always pushing myself farther in dangerous situations.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that I wasn't the direct authority of my own mind.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to direct all my actions in a way that is best for me only and don't realize that it creates consequences in others life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed my pre-programming as my reality in the physical.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be part of the abuse in this world and live through my self-interest only based on what I have allowed to be me as  the mind and not me as the physical.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to perpetuate the ego mind of my father  by doing the exact same shit he did. 

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to realize that I am the exact same copy of my father because I have allowing and accepting it as my reality.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that if I had met someone just like my father did, my life wouldn't have been that hardcore when in fact it is  just a thought generate by my ego mind  to avoid  the responsibility of my own decisions that were pre-program.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel bad about myself during all these years believing I was the black sheep of the family because I was the only one who end up like a fucked up person.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be mad at my father because he lie to me during all these years about who he really was and blame  him for what happened to me  instead of assuming my actions of the past.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to assume I was different from my family members and use this as excuses to nourish my self-interest and participate actively in the abuse of this world.

When and as  I see myself as the exact same person as my father, I stop and breathe.

I realize that I couldn't have do anything about my situation because without the tools to reprogram myself I would have been doomed to my pre-program designed for the rest of my life.

I commit myself to make sure I become the authority of my own mind. 

I commit myself to take 100% responsibility and forgive myself for the actions of the past and always direct myself in a way that is best for all life.

I commit myself to face all the beliefs I have create in my mind during all these years.

I commit myself to make all my decisions based on principles that is best for all life.

I commit myself to restructure myself to get out of the programing of my parents.

 

 

 

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