Skip to main content

Day 18 : Do not take a picture of me

 January 10 , 2021


Two days ago, I received a friend request from a man who used to be a professional photographer here in my hometown and he was the one who was taking the pictures of students every years at school for the "picture day". It was the day where our parents were putting us some cute clothes and expect a wonderful result from this photo shoot so they can have a great memory of us on every year we passed at school. He was the only one who was doing this job back in time so I know him since I am 5 years old and he was doing this for primary school and high school so I saw him every years during 12 years for the  "picture day" . When I saw his face it makes me thinking about how I hated those days back then. I never liked being photographed by someone else. I have to see how I look like before the picture is taking and I have to hold the camera or I would feel very uncomfortable and its shows on my face. I know that this is due to a lack of confidence but I also know that it started from my childhood.

When I was a baby I really hated being photographed by everybody that wanted to take a picture of me but I remember  that I was crying a lot more when it was a pure stranger like a professional.  I look  traumatized in every single picture of me as a baby and also as a kid. We had a lot of family pictures to take and when the school started there was also a photographer ( the guy that added me recently )  and even if I felt uncomfortable I had to do it for my parents and I remember that I hated it so much. I felt forced to make a thing I hated during all these years, it was one of the worst day of the year for me. I was so uncomfortable with myself and I wasn't feeling beautiful enough to do it.  I have always be rude with myself and that is a thing my mom used to do  with herself, We are the same.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience the feeling of hate when someone is photographing me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to let the back chat run into my head and believe I wasn't photogenic at all and feel uncomfortable and ashamed of myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to let my uncomfortable state shows in every single photos that have been taken of me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to let a fear of my childhood ruin events of the present moment.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed flash back of me as a baby crying while a stranger is taking a picture of me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate into the "picture day" at school against my agreement just to makes my parents happy.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to download the exact same lack of confidence of my mother.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be rude on myself which is ego mind possessing me. 

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed  myself to remediate to this lack by telling myself beautiful things instead of continuing nourishing the ego mind by telling some rude stuff repeatedly every day.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to avoid group pictures plenty time in my lifetime because I was triggered by a memory of the past.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed  myself to want to control the device when a picture is about to be taken and that it included me in it just because I am not confident enough to let someone else do it. 

When and as I see myself feel uncomfortable when someone else is taking a picture of me, I stop and breathe.

I realize that I have downloaded the lack of confidence of my mom and that as a baby I was feeling that she hated being photographed and  that I was projecting her feeling unconsciously in the family pictures. I realize that it doesn't have to be a top model picture and that I just have to be natural when that happened. I also realize that I have been brain washed and programed by the medias in all the Disney movies and programs I watched during my natural learning ability and that affected my self-image a lot because I would not be as pretty or as rich as those I see on TV.

I commit myself to  breathe in and out when someone wants to take a picture of me and don't make excuses to avoid it.

I commit myself to grow myself confidence more and define every words that is triggering me so I can be polarized correctly.

I commit myself to never let my kids listen to the medias like Disney and other bullshit that can affects them.

I commit myself to accept myself as I am and be proud of it.

I commit myself to look at myself in the mirror everyday and tell me at least three positives things.  

I commit myself to become an example for those who have a low self-esteem and show them that when you got the right tools, everything is possible.

I commit myself to learn to love every single part of me.

 


 

 

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

Day 22 : Why do I hate priest

  January 20, 2021 At the age of 7 years old, I had a course where we were sitting in circle and talked about Jesus during hours and at the age of 8, our parents had the choice to put us in a course called moral instead of Jesus course. I was begged my parents to go in this new class because I didn't give a damn about Jesus. They refused because both of them have been raised with a Christian mom and that was the way they were programed. They were not fanatic of it but we still went to church for special event like when someone get married or when a new baby was born to get his baptism.  My two brothers and I also had to do this Jesus course at church. There was three different steps and these course were on a period of three years. I made the first and the second course but I begged my parents to end it there because it was ridiculous for me to do that, we weren't that much people at school doing that and I was ashamed. I didn't had to make the third course, I was so gratef...
Post a Comment
Read more

Day 12 : Eating disorder/Anorexia

January 1st, 2021  I talked about my self-image problem in a previous blog that I wrote and I wanted to come back on the point of the anorexia. I used to be the kind of anorexic who was avoiding food like the pests. I wasn't just counting the calories, I was just not eating at all during several days. Sometimes I was forced to eat when I could not find a way out and that I had no more inspiration for a new lie to tell my parents. There was some lies I was telling like,  I need to stay longer after school to finish an homework with others or I want to go out with friends, I could not used this one too much because my parents wanted me home after school and not with friends so I won't do stupid things if I am home with them, which I did obviously. I started amphetamine at this stage of my life, so I became more creative with the lies I was telling them to avoid eating. That was the dreamy drug for me because it suppressed my entire appetite so that was the number one reason why ...
Post a Comment
Read more

Day 39 : One more step

 March 1, 2021 I had my first distributor call today and I experienced a different kind of stress, it was a good stress, a necessary one. What I mean by that is that I wasn't stock in my mind before it was my turn to talk, I was really present in the moment. I would normally think about what I would said and freak the fuck out and not listen to what other said during the call and let my ego killing me with awful negative thoughts. This time, I was able to listen to others and enjoy the moment. I knew that I wouldn't talk with ease but I was okay with it, I made peace with it. I could feel the stress within me but only in a physical way, I talked really fast and my voice was shaking but I was not feeling bad about it because I was aware that it is something that I will get rid of with practice and time. I will have to do it over and over again to gain some confidence within me to be able to talk with ease in front of a large group, in another language. The difference this time w...
Post a Comment
Read more