Day 15 : Don't touch the food !

 January 4, 2021

When I am making food, I really enjoy this moment because I am creating and I enjoy it even more if it is not just for me, I love cooking for others, just like my mother do. I find myself having a lot of her programing within me and that is not always a good thing. When I cook, my brother is always coming and eat stuff during the preparation time and I am reacting negatively every single time. I remembered my mother getting really angry and pissed off about us when we were doing that. She was telling us things like - don't touch it! Wait for the diner to be ready! Why you guys just can't wait? she thought we were doing this just to make her angry, And she had this huge negative black energy all around her and was mad for a few minutes. Of course, I thought  it was funny so I was always trying to have a little piece of whatever she was making and she was hitting my hand and telling me to get the fuck out of her kitchen. I had always finding it funny to see my mom reacting so I was always pushing the button too far and it never ended pretty. 

 I experienced that myself and realized that I downloaded this weird pattern of don't wanting people to eat the food before it is ready. I experience madness for no valid reasons. I become mad at my brother because he's not being patient enough to wait and feel that he will ruined the entire lunch if he took some pieces of it, because things are calculated in my mind when I serve the plate and it fuck my brain up because I am still limited. I know that he doesn't do that just to pissed me off, maybe sometimes, just to test my reaction because we love challenging each other but, it is not spiteful, it is just to make me realize that it is an emotional reaction and that it doesn't make any sense to react like this. I don't like this part of me, reacting to stupid thing like that I mean, when I'll have kids they will surely do that and I want to let them do it without being angry. It is not such a big deal, it shouldn't be.

 I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to reproduce the same reaction of anger that my mother has when we were eating her food during the preparation.

 I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed this negative emotional reaction towards my brother just because I am limited. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to associate the action of eating before diner with the lack of food on the plate when its time to serve it. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have been spiteful towards my mom as a teenager by pushing her button the farthest I could and think it was funny.

 I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to see that I was the exact same copy of my mom and that I downloaded her programming.

 I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to get angry at my brother when he eats during the preparation because it makes no sense to react like this. 

 I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hate this part of me instead of neutralizing the emotional charges towards this specific situation. 

 I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have create drama in my mind just because of a program within me when I should just have breathe and realize that it was absolutely nothing.

 I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think my brother is not patient enough to wait and tell him to get the fuck out of the kitchen just like my mother was telling me.

 When and as I see myself reacting negatively when someone eat during the preparation time when I cook diner, I stop and breathe.

 I realize that now that I am conscious of that program that runs in my mind, I can totally get rid of it and catch the thought, breathe and don't react. I realize that I always want things to be perfect and I react this way because it ruined the "perfection" I try to reach and it is not sane at all.

 I commit myself to always assist myself with breathing before reacting in any ways.

 I commit myself to find more programs that I have downloaded from my parents and forgive myself for all of them 

 I commit myself to never let my programming defined who I am now in the present time and neutralize all the negatives charges I have towards certain situation and words.

 I commit myself to don't go crazy with perfection because it is not good if it is not balanced correctly.

 I commit myself to get over it now and get more stable with my emotions so my children won't have to download the wrong pattern I have within me for themselves.