Day 14 : Revenge of the ego of the day

 December 3, 2021

 I was on a group call today and the host ask a question to the group and turn by turn we needed to answer it. It was a simple question but I  felt an negative emotional reaction through the fact I had to talk in front of the group. The host ask if anyone would like to start so someone started, and the next one and two more. I realize that the time was running out and that it is not everybody in the call that will have the chance to answer the question. The host ask again if someone else would like to answer the question and a little silence appear. For me it seems like an eternal silence but in reality it was maybe 15 seconds or something like that.

I was starting to freaking out and listen to the ego mind who was telling me that if I chosen to unmute my microphone, the things I will said were not going to be good enough and that others will judge or laugh at me and I started to compare what I wanted to say with what others as said. I breathed in and out and tell the ego the shut up, pressed the button to unmute and said I will talk. Which is cool because, at this moment I respected my commitment of walking through my fears and push myself more to do stuff that is making me uncomfortable, normally I would just have take advantage of the limited time and hope that my turn never come.

I had so much things in mind that I would have love to say but,  my hands had start shaking and my voice too plus I started to felt like it was 40 degrees inside of me so I just talked the fastest I can and blur my words a bit at the end. I can see that I still have this anxiety within me that is created by the fear of not giving the right answer and the fear of the judgment from others. Those fears appear because I have this program within me that triggers a memory of me in front of my group class, making an oral presentation and have the exact same reactions as I did today.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience resistance towards talking in front of the group.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to let the ego mind manipulate my physical body with is bullshit and get hot and start shaking as a physical reaction.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that what I said don't have any value and is not good enough.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think that others will judge or laugh at me if I talk when I was in fact the only one who was judging herself and her answer.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to take advantage of the limited time in the past to be sure I would not have to talk in a group because I was none confident at all. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to compare myself with others when I know that this is important to meet myself where I am at.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not be satisfied of what I said in the call because of my anxiety when it was in fact a small win to take the action of talking even if I really did not wanted too.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience anxiety because I fear to not say the right thing when I knew inside of me that I had something truly acceptable to say.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself in a spiteful manner. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to get triggered by a memory of the past that is holding me back from being effective in the present moment.

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed to get over this program that is within me since forever.

When and as I see myself stressing out when I have to talk in a group, I stop and breathe. 

I realize that I wasn't comfortable because it was the first time I talked into this group so it was a new group of people that were listening to what I had to say so the program just came back because I get out of my sweet spot and get triggered by the memory of me in front of the class freaking out. I also realize that pushing myself is the only way to get rid of this program. I realize that I always compare myself with others because we've all been brain washed to be in competition with others.

I commit myself to continue assist myself with Techno Tutor to deprogram myself more on this specific point.

I commit myself to embrace the change that I am experiencing.

I commit myself to continue pushing myself by making things that is out of my sweet spot.

I commit myself to practice my communication skills to become an effective communicator. 

I commit myself to always remember that I am learning from others and that I don't have to compare with anyone because life is not a competition.

I commit myself to become equal and one with all beings on this planet and reprogram myself to get rid of this idea that life is a competition with everybody.