Day 7 : Life of a party

December 22, 2020

Sometimes I wonder why I am the only one in the family of three children who turns out to be the most fucked up. I was the one who end up with every addiction possible ,  I was the only one who moved out of town and lived the life of a party animal, avoiding every single responsibility I could. I end up pretty bad and if my brother wouldn't have introduce me to Techno Tutor and Dip, I would have been dead right now. 

I used to take so much drugs and alcohol on a regular basis and spending every single dollars I had on my addictions when I was " stable " enough to fit in the system and had a job to pay for it. When I did not had a job because I would lose it, I would always find a way out to get what I wanted. If that implied to stayed in a fucked up place with fucked up people during several days I was doing it without any hesitation. I was getting high all day and all night long hoping that nothing too bad  would happened to me. I fed my demons during so long that they took the complete control of my physical body. That wasn't pretty at all, I can't believe I've been there, I was completely  insane. The more I was hanging out with these people, the more I became like them and accept my reality as a drugs addict and didn't care about my life anymore.

 It all started when I moved out from my parent's place at 18 years old, my parents paid for my rent and grocery and I had to pay for my books at college and for my car etc. After falling into a huge depression after 2 months at school, I began my life of a party and never stopped to go deeper in my shitty lifestyle. I had a lot of money that I saved for years and I spend it all in three weeks. I put myself in truly dangerous situations several times. I was challenging the death on a regular basis, I tested it every day hoping to get injured severely or just end up dead.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to let my demon mind possessed me during many years and let it ruined me by participating in the abuses of self-interested.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to avoid my responsibilities by giving up on life because I was not educated enough to understand that I am in fact lucky to have been born in good conditions when some humans in this world are dying of starvation on a regular basis so I forgive myself to have been that selfish.

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to see that my physical body is my temple and that I have the power to direct it in a way that is best and take good care of it instead of poisoning it with chemicals.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see that wanted to get injured or be dead is a form of manipulation towards some other being which is pure abuse.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to assume I was a drug addict and that it was a type of lifestyle like any other one because I had a very low vocabulary within me and a really bad capacity to treat the information.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed  myself to push my family away and truly believe my ego mind who was telling me that they were mad at me and won't talked to me ever again because I stopped giving news and avoided them.

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to realize that money is the most important thing in life because it gives you access to your basics need so I forgive myself to spend it all on my addictions, not realizing all the consequences that it occurs in the future and around me which made me participating in all the suffering in this world.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to compare my life with my brother's life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to creates multiples scenarios in my mind and believe it as my reality, as who I was truly are which was total delusion cause by my brain damage.

I realize that I have a lot of traumas that I wasn't aware of, the more I write forgiveness the more flash back I have and the more nightmares I made , I am the one who created all of this crap and I am the only one who can forgive myself for it. I also realize that by pushing myself through dangerous situations and wanting to get close to death, I was seeking for attention from my parents, particularly my mom even if I was the one who pushed them away from my life, I felt like the only way I can be in contact with them again was by hurting myself which is total manipulation because they would feel guilty and never forgive themselves to what could have happened to me, so I would be free from my shame. I realize that the past doesn't make the person I am for the rest of my life and that it is possible to change when you have enough willingness to commit yourself to it and take real actions.

I commit myself to investigate every single traumas and nightmares that I have and breath by breath, forgive myself for each point that comes up and each individual that are implied in it. 

I commit myself to stand up when I see people participating in this kind of abuse and make them realize that this is just the ego mind that are fucking with them and that there is a way out, the way of self-responsibility that would help not only them but many others.

I commit myself to be grateful every single day  when I wake up in the morning, for being part of this life on Earth and for having access to all my basics needs.

I commit myself to be aware of every thoughts I have and use the tools to tell my mind to fuck off  and be in total control of my physical body, in this physical world.

I commit myself to stop avoiding things and be honest with myself and always take the entire responsibility and face it even if it scared the shit out of me.

I commit myself to spend my money wisely and build my business in the education system so I can help in the creation of an equal money system for the future of the next generation.